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- Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself
- Five things we should clear up
- Five extremely minor characters
- Five terrible fake X-Men franchises
- Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment
- Five names that sound like they have too many syllables
- Five superpowers I promise would use only for good
- Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents
- Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes
- Five reasons 5ives was down for two years
- Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens
- Five controversial ontologies
- Five cutting-edge greeting cards
- Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo
- Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII
- Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California
- Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now
- Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker
- Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books
- Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use
- Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me
- Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels
- Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants
- Five records I wish I could have sung backup on
- Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing
- Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday
- Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles
- Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report
- Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record
- Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product
- Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere
- Five “Web 2.0” ways to break up with your boyfriend
- Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines
- Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard
- Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you
- Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!
- Five names you can belch
- Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
- Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog
- Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals
- Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto
- Five terrible fake names for villages in England
- Five historical blog posts
- Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts
- Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court
- Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)
- Five things I still don’t really understand
- Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me
- Five rejected Spice Girl personalities
- Five phrases I often find disorienting
- Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)
- Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception
- Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally
- Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself
- Five things you might do with “all that ass”
- Five things of which I will never tire
- Five douchebag power tools
- Five terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for
- Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation
- Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”
- Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s
- Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself
- Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit
- Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open
- Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”
- Five early 80s albums that are better than you probably remember
- Five songs I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
- Five recent makebelieve Canadian girlfriends
- Five favorite Hee Haw performers
- Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself
- Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article
- Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions
- Five nicknames I would find unbearable
- Five favorite words I learned last year
- Five albums I was listening to when I moved to San Francisco (seven years ago today)
- Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants
- Five Halloween safety tips
- Five owners of ambitious combovers
- Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS
- Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing
- Five possible signs your congressman thinks your teenaged son is hot
- Five things you did while MySpace was down
- Five groups, apart from “women and children,” who should get to leave a sinking ship first
- Five persons who will eventually appear in every rock documentary
- Five excellent Iron Maiden songs (and what each is ostensibly about)
- Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates
- Five people who are much more enjoyable if you imagine them as pro wrestlers
- Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave
- Five TV shows I’ll bet you don’t remember
- Five injustices you bravely suffer
- Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
- Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read
- Five terrible fake scripts from a notional fourth season of Gilligan’s Island
- Five amazing high-hat parts
- Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do
- Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses
- Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events
- Five terrible fake David Blaine endurance stunts
- Five phrases I wish I had occasion to use more often
- Five things you probably don’t need to be carrying all the time
- Five things I wish I could get more into
- Five suggested Flickr tags
- Five periodicals I loved in the 90s
- Five amazing Beatles bridges
- Five ubiquitous anatomical embellishments from which I could use a break
- Five terrible fake Morrissey songs
- Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”
- Five places where the burnouts would hang out and smoke in junior high
- Five things that make me smile
- Five songs I sometimes listen to on repeat for 20 minutes
- Five composers I’m glad never had to hear their work performed primarily as ear-screeching ringtones
- Five things I currently have no intention of doing
- Five things that aren’t particularly helping my nascent dharma practice
- Five songs I’ve completely obsessed over
- Five terrible fake “Morning Zoo” teams
- Five candidates Madeline has repeatedly vetoed to be “our song”
- Five things I had to keep explaining to the guy at REI
- Five places I’ve had my hair cut
- Five good things to absorb while you’re still young
- Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
- Five decidedly un-super supergroups
- Five things you can bring along to help make the party all about you
- Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together
- Five more excellent public radio names
- Five works I adore by artists I otherwise don’t care for
- Five people I’m told I impersonate badly
- Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
- Five notional movies that might not have gone over as well with fundamentalists
- Five ways to get on the del.icio.us home page
- Five terrible fake entrees from the dotcom era
- Five ways your histrionic anti-abortion friend might refer to a fetus
- Five people of whom I confess to being a bit weary
- Five things (besides a television) that you could constantly remind people you won’t use
- Five rules of thumb
- Five more things Pat Robertson needs you to pray on
- Five They Might Be Giants songs I often find myself singing
- Five thoughts on who “they” might be
- Five favorite guitar chords
- Five rules from the NPR drinking game
- Five bands I’m sorry I never got to see live
- Five terrible fake non-fiction bestsellers
- Five favorite new wave drummers
- Five terrible fake secrets about Seals & Crofts
- Five things I have read repeatedly in the bathroom
- Five beverages I haven’t drunk very often since college
- Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five user icons
Here’s All of the 5ives
Author Archives: Merlin
Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere
1. blogmobisodes
1. webmobinars
1. telestreamanogisodes
1. lividmobipostiscussions
1. netconvermomomobomasations
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Five “Web 2.0” ways to break up with your boyfriend
1. add unflattering Flickr tag, “Fat asshole with a unibrow”
1. change Facebook status to “He’s literally dead to me”
1. web widget counts up days since your last climax (currently: “193”)
1. share Zoho spreadsheet to split up MySpace friends
1. decline to participate in Series B round of affection
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Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines
1. Ever wonder what’s happening under Orion’s belt?
1. Hop in my van, and I’ll show you something else that’s constantly expanding.
1. Was Democritus the first one to postulate your mysterious Milky Way?
1. I’d like to Sagittarius your Pisces, and that’s no Taurus.
1. How about we go outside and discover Uranus?
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Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard
1. Daniel Poon
1. Mr. Strange
1. Steve the Sleeve
1. Snatch Adams
1. Ol’ Vag
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Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you
1. gently enquires as to where you like to put the turkey baster
1. repeatedly offers to demonstrate “how Blighty squeezes the lemonade”
1. stands in your front yard, pants-less and swinging a garden hose in lazy figure-eights
1. makes rapid “milking a cow” gesture while screaming something incoherent about Robert Johnson
1. drops his semi-erect penis onto your dessert plate
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Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
1. Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
1. Project Segway
1. Would You Eat This for Money?
1. America’s Next Top Preclear
1. Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?
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Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!
1. your Flickr.com photos are still your own (although human faces are now obscured by selected partner company logos)
1. owing to unavoidable data corruption, all Upcoming.org events must be reinstalled monthly
1. following upgrade to Vista, clicking del.icio.us links now requires 1 GB of RAM and 40 GB drive space (per link)
1. Jerry Yang now compelled to “do that funny MC Hammer dance” whenever Ballmer’s meds start wearing off
1. folksy motto tweaked to “If You Ever Want to See That Pretty Family of Yours Again, You Damned Straight Better Fucking _Yahoo!_”
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Five names you can belch
1. Frank Black
1. Bob Hodgkins
1. Barack Obama
1. Ponce De Leon
1. John Hodgman
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Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
1. gestate auxiliary sets of twins in climate-controlled Fendi bags
1. make Brad build a big-ass gingerbread house
1. explore viability of controversial “dorsal carriage” (a/k/a “butt fetus”)
1. surreptitiously cruise Gymboree with mallet and a sack
1. lay excess eggs in what’s left of Sean Young
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Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog
1. tearing the veil away from the morally bankrupt raincheck policy at Marshall’s
1. “crowdsourcing” the naming of your new unicycle
1. taking a symbolic day off from blogging to protest the unjust treatment of “some Oriental dude” you read about on Slashdot
1. daring to name names in the “personal holocaust of customer service” you recently suffered at Fry’s
1. funny new snapshot of your kitty, “Warrant Officer Ripley,” acting like she’s people
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Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals
1. *Rambo V: Could You Repeat the Specials, Please?*
1. *Increasingly Less Over the Top*
1. *Tango & Cash II: Which One Am I Again?*
1. *F.I.S.T.U.L.A.*
1. *Rocky VII: Who Keeps Moving My Medicine?*
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Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto
1. talk through a vocoder, so maybe people will infer you’re a mean robot
1. as you address your audience, consider stroking a cat or cleaning your mom’s rifle
1. display tabular information about your perceived enemies in a large, readable typeface
1. avoid contractions, so you’ll sound more like Vincent Price
1. work the cravat
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Five terrible fake names for villages in England
1. Fishpie-on-Porkstocking
1. Poxham
1. Monoclesfordington
1. Mutton Moat Wood
1. Penishire-on-Derbyhat
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Five historical blog posts
1. Moses: Top 10 Bulletproof Tips for Not Pissing-off The Lord (2 tablets – reg req.)
1. HOWTO: Some Guy Compares Thee to a Summer Day
1. Crazy Italian Dude Totally Draws on Pope’s Ceiling (DIGG THIS!!!!)
1. I CAN HAZ INVISIBLE THUMBSCREWZ? Top 50 LOLInquisiton Macros
1. BOOBIES – Hot Naked Chick Horses Around Coventry [PICS!]
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Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts
1. peanut-shaped peanut bowl made of peanut shells
1. peanut surrey, drawn by two sweet potato horses
1. Atari 2600
1. peanut shuriken
1. Side 2 of Boston’s _Third Stage_
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Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court
1. creating a bailment
1. “meeting of the minds”
1. _in loco parentis_
1. “reasonable expectation of privacy”
1. compulsory post-trial interview with effeminate scolding man
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Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)
1. Moving Klingman out
1. Whacking Sollozzo
1. Going fishing with Al
1. Visiting Woltz
1. Hiring Sophia
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Five things I still don’t really understand
1. the International Date Line
1. the Electoral College
1. how my toilet works
1. MMORPG
1. “The Seduction Community”
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Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
1. Sexy Prius
1. Sexy Ahmadinejad
1. Sexy Oncologist
1. Sexy Alexander Pope
1. Sexy Scented Candle
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Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me
1. “A Good Man is Hard to Find,” by Flannery O’Connor
1. _Les Chants de Maldoror_ by Comte de Lautréamont
1. “The Call of Cthulhu” by H. P. Lovecraft
1. _À rebours_ by J.K. Huysmans
1. _Goodnight Moon_, by Margaret Wise Brown
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Five rejected Spice Girl personalities
1. Syphilitic Spice
1. Phlegmatic Spice
1. Rheumy Spice
1. Contradictory Spice
1. Emotionally-Unavailable Spice
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Five phrases I often find disorienting
1. semi-boneless
1. smooth jazz
1. lucky sweatpants
1. MySpace friend
1. Microsoft fanboy
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Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)
1. Dingell
1. Boehner
1. Sanchez
1. Frank
1. Craig
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Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception
1. “When You Sleep” by My Bloody Valentine
1. “Outdoor Miner” by Wire
1. “Your Wedding” by Smog
1. “Brand New Love” by Sebadoh
1. “Make Out Club” by Unrest Continue reading
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Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally
1. “Cellars Remorse” – home radon test
1. “Squeak’n Cleen”- industrial degreasing agent
1. OEM pre-need funeral plan
1. “Ridi Pagliaccio” – pepper spray replacement cartridges
1. “Kozy Komb Krabby Kitt” – economy-priced pubic louse removal pack
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Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself
1. World’s Greatest Lover
1. Topic Expert
1. Vatican Watcher
1. Thought Leader
1. Poet
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Five things you might do with “all that ass”
1. open a modest home ass business
1. serve hot meals of ass to the less fortunate
1. hold a weekend “Ass Sale” on your lawn
1. make colorful ass gift bags for the holidays
1. give sympathetic testimony for recovering hump drunks
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Five things of which I will never tire
1. chimps
1. _The Godfather, Part II_
1. lobster rolls
1. nature shows involving predatory insects
1. _Glengarry Glen Ross_
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Five douchebag power tools
1. heavily gelled comb-back
1. omnipresent Bluetooth earpiece
1. Radio Margaritaville
1. the nickel tip
1. frequent use of words “impactful” and “‘bro”
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Five terrible fake reality TV shows
1. Thoracic Surgery With the Stars
1. Track, Destroy, and Consume Your New Mom
1. Mormon Idol
1. Survivor: Leaky Hot Air Balloon
1. Gastroenterologist 911
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