Five memorable childhood pills

  1. Flintstones chewable vitamins
  2. St. Joseph’s baby aspirin
  3. nauseating grownup multi-vitamins
  4. nasty, sour Bufferin
  5. those plaque pills that made your teeth all red
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Five favorite rumors of my childhood

  1. Bubble Yum is made from spiders’ eggs
  2. Mikey died from mixing Pop-Rocks and Coke
  3. That one really weird teacher is “a gay”
  4. People get beheaded on Space Mountain, literally, every day
  5. One time, Rod Stewart drank a gallon of semen and totally had to have his stomach pumped
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Five terrible fake Eve Ensler plays

  1. The Fallopian Follies
  2. The Clitoris Cycle
  3. An Evening Inside My Cervix
  4. The Ovary Improvisations
  5. Chattin’ with My Labia
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Five things I find kind of hypnotic

  1. spiders
  2. peppy morning news shows
  3. car fires
  4. arguing couples
  5. Krispy Kreme donut line
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Five things you must abandon immediately

  1. ironic trucker cap
  2. aviator sunglasses
  3. “vintage” t-shirt from Urban Outfitters
  4. cutesy truncated words (“obvs,” “whatevs,” et al.)
  5. back tattoos of fanciful creatures
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Five movies I watched multiple times on cable (ca. 1982)

  1. Stripes
  2. Escape from New York
  3. Lipstick
  4. American Gigolo
  5. Up in Smoke
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Five private contests (and the standing record for each)

  1. From how far away can the remote open the garage door? (just around the corner: about 150’)
  2. How long can I go without losing my Space Pen? (4.5 years)
  3. How many trays of ice cubes can I make in a day? (8)
  4. How fast can I drive to Trader Joe’s in Daly City? (11 minutes)
  5. How long can I go without watching a whole episode of Star Trek? (whole life, to date)
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Five movie firsts

  1. The Yearling (first movie that made me cry)
  2. Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (first movie that terrified me)
  3. Blackbeard’s Ghost (first movie where I sat in the front row)
  4. E.T. (first movie during which I made out)
  5. Short Circuit 2 (first movie I walked out of)
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Five things I used to look forward to each Autumn

  1. new season of TV shows
  2. big-ass Sears Christmas catalogue
  3. Halloween
  4. fresh Duo-Tang folders
  5. impending birthday
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Five things that almost always make a song better

  1. hand claps
  2. tambourine
  3. horns
  4. “La La La”, high harmony, backup vocals
  5. ARP string ensemble
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Five least favorite Magic Kingdom attractions (1970s)

  1. Plaza Swan Boats
  2. Monsanto 360
  3. The Enchanted Tiki Room
  4. Swiss Family Treehouse
  5. Tom Sawyer Island
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Five things whose use by children kind of depresses me

  1. bike helmets
  2. rolling book bags
  3. cell phones
  4. hand guns
  5. the f word
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Five things in my pediatrician’s waiting room

  1. Highlights for Children
  2. Fisher-Price parking garage
  3. very hard plastic chairs
  4. sample illustrated Bible (with order cards inside cover)
  5. snot (both dried and fresh)
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Five favorite Mac programs (ca. 1988)

  1. WriteNow
  2. FullPaint
  3. PageMaker
  4. Double Helix
  5. Talking Moose
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Five favorite Mike Coleman songs

  1. Windshield
  2. Don’t You Go Changing Gristle
  3. Tuber
  4. Tootie
  5. Li’l Smokie
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Five elementary school smells

  1. cafeteria (ambiguous breaded, fried food)
  2. nurse’s office (rubbing alcohol and bleach)
  3. red playground ball (rubber and tar)
  4. school bus circle (paint and diesel fumes)
  5. Physical Science class (vinegar and soil)
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Five bastardizations of my first name

  1. Melvin
  2. Myron
  3. Copernicus
  4. Mel
  5. Mervin
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Five foods I’ve never really learned to enjoy

  1. beets
  2. tripe
  3. brussel sprouts
  4. black licorice
  5. orange chicken
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Five things that are always funny

  1. hiking your pants up really high
  2. giant foam cowboy hat
  3. crossed eyes
  4. fake Jerry Lewis voice
  5. replying with “That’s what she said!”
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Five catastrophes that disappointed

  1. africanized bees
  2. cancer from saccharine
  3. Oral Roberts “called home”/blackmailed by God
  4. Friends
  5. Y2K
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Five things I enjoy that could reasonably lead you to conclude I’m a 13 year old girl

  1. Sloan
  2. Gilmore Girls
  3. Gum
  4. Gossiping about celebrities
  5. LiveJournal
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Five annoying San Franciscan habits

  1. hissing
  2. eye-rolling
  3. leaving notes
  4. sighing
  5. randomly yelling “hate crime!”
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Five songs I wish I could hear again for the first time

  1. Shaking Through – R.E.M.
  2. In a Jar – Dinosaur Jr
  3. Pictures of Lily – The Who
  4. I Felt Like a Gringo – Minutemen
  5. My Big Mouth – The Posies
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Five ways to save our kids from online porn

  1. Ban homonyms and double entendres
  2. Require all porn sites be written in Esperanto
  3. Teach children that Jesus hates their dirty erections
  4. Nothing kills idle curiosity like chemical mace
  5. Trade family’s PC for equivalent value in strident religious tracts
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Five films I’ll bet you liked a lot more than I did

  1. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
  2. Mystic River
  3. Big Daddy
  4. Forrest Gump
  5. Those fucking Lord of the Rings movies
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Five terrible fake fad diets

  1. The Conifer Program – Consume nothing but pinecones on days with an “r” in them
  2. Swap Yourself Skinny- Wear a vest made of delicious smoky bacon; eat only poly-blend textiles and brass buttons
  3. Paper Thin – Gorge on all the white bond paper you like
  4. Roast n’ Row – Eat all the tasty prime rib you want (provided you’re rowing a boat at the time)
  5. Chet Atkins Diet – Eat nothing but vintage guitars; avoid picks
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Five punk rock shows (Tampa, 1986)

  1. The Circle Jerks
  2. The Dead Milkmen
  3. The Wankers
  4. G.B.H. and Agnostic Front
  5. Belching Penguin
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Five objects we used to throw in the french fryer when I worked at McDonald’s (1985)

  1. Coffee stirs
  2. Pickle slices
  3. Canadian bacon
  4. Sugar packets
  5. Pennies
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Five favorite 8-tracks

  1. Black Sabbath / Paranoid (1983)
  2. Free to Be You and Me (1973)
  3. Queen / News of the World (1979)
  4. Rock for Kampuchea (1982)
  5. Mary Poppins (1972)
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Five things I’ve paid to have put on t-shirts

  1. Star Wars iron-on; first name on back shoulders (1977)
  2. Glittery Superman iron-on; first name on back shoulders (1979)
  3. “Grappler” pro wrestling iron-on; first name on back shoulders (1980)
  4. Airbrushed cover of “Wolverine #1” comic book (1982)
  5. Number “12” on front; first name on back shoulders (1978)
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