- Flintstones chewable vitamins
- St. Joseph’s baby aspirin
- nauseating grownup multi-vitamins
- nasty, sour Bufferin
- those plaque pills that made your teeth all red
- Bubble Yum is made from spiders’ eggs
- Mikey died from mixing Pop-Rocks and Coke
- That one really weird teacher is “a gay”
- People get beheaded on Space Mountain, literally, every day
- One time, Rod Stewart drank a gallon of semen and totally had to have his stomach pumped
- The Fallopian Follies
- The Clitoris Cycle
- An Evening Inside My Cervix
- The Ovary Improvisations
- Chattin’ with My Labia
- spiders
- peppy morning news shows
- car fires
- arguing couples
- Krispy Kreme donut line
- ironic trucker cap
- aviator sunglasses
- “vintage” t-shirt from Urban Outfitters
- cutesy truncated words (“obvs,” “whatevs,” et al.)
- back tattoos of fanciful creatures
- Stripes
- Escape from New York
- Lipstick
- American Gigolo
- Up in Smoke
- From how far away can the remote open the garage door? (just around the corner: about 150’)
- How long can I go without losing my Space Pen? (4.5 years)
- How many trays of ice cubes can I make in a day? (8)
- How fast can I drive to Trader Joe’s in Daly City? (11 minutes)
- How long can I go without watching a whole episode of Star Trek? (whole life, to date)
- The Yearling (first movie that made me cry)
- Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (first movie that terrified me)
- Blackbeard’s Ghost (first movie where I sat in the front row)
- E.T. (first movie during which I made out)
- Short Circuit 2 (first movie I walked out of)
- new season of TV shows
- big-ass Sears Christmas catalogue
- Halloween
- fresh Duo-Tang folders
- impending birthday
- hand claps
- tambourine
- horns
- “La La La”, high harmony, backup vocals
- ARP string ensemble
- Plaza Swan Boats
- Monsanto 360
- The Enchanted Tiki Room
- Swiss Family Treehouse
- Tom Sawyer Island
- bike helmets
- rolling book bags
- cell phones
- hand guns
- the f word
- Highlights for Children
- Fisher-Price parking garage
- very hard plastic chairs
- sample illustrated Bible (with order cards inside cover)
- snot (both dried and fresh)
- WriteNow
- FullPaint
- PageMaker
- Double Helix
- Talking Moose
- Windshield
- Don’t You Go Changing Gristle
- Tuber
- Tootie
- Li’l Smokie
- cafeteria (ambiguous breaded, fried food)
- nurse’s office (rubbing alcohol and bleach)
- red playground ball (rubber and tar)
- school bus circle (paint and diesel fumes)
- Physical Science class (vinegar and soil)
- Melvin
- Myron
- Copernicus
- Mel
- Mervin
- beets
- tripe
- brussel sprouts
- black licorice
- orange chicken
- hiking your pants up really high
- giant foam cowboy hat
- crossed eyes
- fake Jerry Lewis voice
- replying with “That’s what she said!”
- africanized bees
- cancer from saccharine
- Oral Roberts “called home”/blackmailed by God
- Friends
- Y2K
- Sloan
- Gilmore Girls
- Gum
- Gossiping about celebrities
- LiveJournal
- hissing
- eye-rolling
- leaving notes
- sighing
- randomly yelling “hate crime!”
- Shaking Through – R.E.M.
- In a Jar – Dinosaur Jr
- Pictures of Lily – The Who
- I Felt Like a Gringo – Minutemen
- My Big Mouth – The Posies
- Ban homonyms and double entendres
- Require all porn sites be written in Esperanto
- Teach children that Jesus hates their dirty erections
- Nothing kills idle curiosity like chemical mace
- Trade family’s PC for equivalent value in strident religious tracts
- My Big Fat Greek Wedding
- Mystic River
- Big Daddy
- Forrest Gump
- Those fucking Lord of the Rings movies
- The Conifer Program – Consume nothing but pinecones on days with an “r” in them
- Swap Yourself Skinny- Wear a vest made of delicious smoky bacon; eat only poly-blend textiles and brass buttons
- Paper Thin – Gorge on all the white bond paper you like
- Roast n’ Row – Eat all the tasty prime rib you want (provided you’re rowing a boat at the time)
- Chet Atkins Diet – Eat nothing but vintage guitars; avoid picks
- The Circle Jerks
- The Dead Milkmen
- The Wankers
- G.B.H. and Agnostic Front
- Belching Penguin
- Coffee stirs
- Pickle slices
- Canadian bacon
- Sugar packets
- Pennies
- Black Sabbath / Paranoid (1983)
- Free to Be You and Me (1973)
- Queen / News of the World (1979)
- Rock for Kampuchea (1982)
- Mary Poppins (1972)
- Star Wars iron-on; first name on back shoulders (1977)
- Glittery Superman iron-on; first name on back shoulders (1979)
- “Grappler” pro wrestling iron-on; first name on back shoulders (1980)
- Airbrushed cover of “Wolverine #1” comic book (1982)
- Number “12” on front; first name on back shoulders (1978)