- become genial TV spokesman for Crisco, the preferred ad hoc head-anointing oil of evangelicals everywhere
- hang out at the food court; throw piping-hot buffalo wings at breast-feeding mothers
- take internet veterinary course; learn to euthanize cats
- write and produce one-man, all-singing, all-dancing revue: Room 101!
- find similar country with too damned many civil rights on the books
- Clogs: They’re just so comfortable!
- Tough Choices: One baby, two dogs or two babies, one dog?
- Election Special: Which clever t-shirt will you force baby to wear?
- Busy Mom Discipline: Try hitting the baby with the spaniel
- Why can’t I name them all “Tyler?”: One mother’s painful journey of discovery
- Charles Bissell (The Wrens)
- Andy Cohen (Silkworm)
- Roger Miller (Mission of Burma)
- Patrick Pentland (Sloan)
- Geoff Farina (Karate)
- Confucianism: You Should Carry On
- Topsoil Deals Offsetting
- Squirehood, What’s Your Wife’s Favorite One?
- Secular Rockabye Countryman
- Porpoise, Only You Can Superstition
- single red rose
- internet “shrine”
- anonymous gift of lingerie
- naming new hard drive in milady’s honor
- rhyming comparisons to “Seven of Nine”
- Karla Marxx
- Lola Piranha
- Curvée Rhodes
- Jackie Jills
- Margarita Salt
- Jim Eno (Spoon)
- Ringo Starr (The Beatles)
- Bruce Hamilton (Gruel, Bacon Ray)
- Jim Lindsay (Oranger)
- DJ Bonebrake (X)
- Blackie (1977) – Clawed maniacally at my calves as I slept uneasily
- Sushi (1992) – Calm demeanor belied hateful, blood-filled glances
- Unnamed neighborhood cat (1979) – Hissed menacingly from the front yard
- Sapphire (1998) – Mephistophelean Siamese with transparently homicidal designs
- Chuck (1991) – Repeatedly shat on my pillow
- If someone leaves their sunglasses in your car and they go unclaimed for five (5) business days, they legally become yours without comment
- Don Knotts has macular degeneration so don’t make fun of his big-ass sunglasses
- If you’ve spent more than $20.00 on your sunglasses, you probably aren’t spending enough on liquor
- The more “futuristic” your sunglasses are, the more likely you are to be living in a farming community (and vice versa)
- If you customarily wear sunglasses indoors, you better be blind or Kevin from The Wrens
- motels
- shopping malls
- New College
- military school
- museums
- Radiohead
- PJ Harvey
- Sleater Kinney
- Liz Phair
- Scissor Sisters
- Broast the Vote!
- Pummel the Vote!
- Gently Strum the Vote!
- Benchpress the Vote!
- Botox the Vote!
- Gillette
- Apple
- Sprint
- Costco
- Trader Joe’s
- wheelie popping
- snaking, loogie-hocking, and general spitting
- climbing and scaling
- ramp jumping
- snatching stacks of quarters from elbow (as seen on Happy Days)
- buy domain names
- hire an attorney
- do lots of file management from the command line
- sort out your finances
- telephone people you remember fondly from elementary school
- Exposé
- incremental searching
- undo
- sort by date (descending)
- cold reboot
- Spike Jones
- Jesse L. Weston
- Junior Samples
- Dean Atcheson
- Señor Wences
- the streets
- my bitches
- thug life
- popping a cap in your ass
- my milkshake
- Studs Terkel
- Don Knotts
- Estelle Getty
- Walter Mondale
- The Late Ruth Gordon
- metric assload (n.) – a lot
- asshat (n.) – willfully ignorant person
- assy (adj.) – unacceptably low-quality
- big-ass (adj.) – large
- asstacular (adj.) – really bad
- frowning mom with tall latté and jog stroller
- bald, fifty-something massage therapist on recumbent bike
- vegan slam poet, hissing during movie trailers
- PETA hipster, physically disgusted at your “holocaust burger”
- pink-faced guy with chaps and big vein in forehead (and his quizzically identical partner)
- #eee
- diagonal lines
- centered ~700px content well
- “subtle” drop shadows
- un-bolded Georgia headings
- John Kerry openly supports difficult-to-open jars of hard candy
- Dueling pistols now stored behind the counter at the Wal-Mart
- Do-nothing liberal colleagues want to cut his generous coffee and Vivarin stipend
- That ole’ possum just keeps a’gettin’ into his seed corn
- Who keeps moving his slippers?
- Biplanes will soon glide gracefully between our great art deco skyscrapers
- In the very near future, rich white men will wear really gay pants
- When women become evil robots, they like to act kind of slutty and dance
- Workers of the year 2026 are in constant danger of being crushed under a pile of allegory
- What German actors lack in subtlety, they more than make up for in enthusiasm and interesting haircuts
- carefully stewarding my pallor
- repeatedly watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on the TiVo
- defecating indoors—copiously, often, and without queueing
- not tongue-kissing a sweaty Java programmer in clown makeup named “Shanti”
- wearing clothes—lots and lots of square, capitalist, heinous-body-covering clothes
- Cub Scouts (1976)
- Drum & Bugle Corps (1978)
- Diplomacy Club (1979)
- Special Olympics Club (1984)
- Key Club (1985)
- $20 no-name, cream-colored pseudo-Jaguar with a broken neck pickup and faux-walnut fretboard (1983)
- $150 Cimar Flying-V/Explorer bastardization (1984)
- Rickenbacker 660 electric 12-string (1988)
- busted-ass $200 Yamaha FG-340II acoustic [that I play to this day] (1988)
- Bacon Ray-era single-cutaway Epiphone Special II/VS (1997)
- Shoot at as high a resolution as is reasonable for your camera’s storage capacity
- Make sure the light is coming from behind you (and the brighter the better)
- Take two or more shots of each thing you photograph (you won’t believe how differently each turns out)
- Shoot all closeups of people from above and at a 45° downward angle (enlarges eyes, reduces “meatbeard”)
- When in doubt, use the slow-sync flash (aka “Rock and Roll Filter”)
- balsa wood toy airplanes
- long grain and wild rice
- Golden Books®
- novelty gifts, magic tricks, and small puzzles
- motivational posters and cassette tapes
- monetize
- “The Enterprise”
- mindshare
- net net
- capture eyeballs