- Ducky
- Blaine
- Steff
- Andie
- everyone else who isn’t Harry Dean Stanton
- If it weren’t for his wife’s IPO, he’d still be kickin’ it in the Caravan
- It took him 2-1/2 years to grow that lame goatee
- All the women at work call him “Fonzie” and laugh
- Each week, there’s a good deal less hair under that cool “brain bucket”
- He’s just terrified of dying
- Royal Watcher
- Futurist
- Sports Legend
- Maître d’
- Old-World Craftsman
- Skyway to Fantasyland; Walt Disney World
- 2nd period English; Ridgewood Jr. High
- Congress Skating Rink; Port Richey, Fla.
- 15-minute walk-run; Ridgewood Jr. High
- Red Baron Arcade; Northgate Mall
- monogrammed dog saddle
- golf-club-shaped satellite phone
- extra large all-weather sitting pants
- nesting dolls of extended Bush family
- solar-powered scrotum humidifier
- bail bondsman
- home syphilis test
- nunchucks
- lice comb
- bottled water
- Be assured that my imaginary friend, Prof. Pickles, will be hearing about this.
- I trust you’re prepared to pay any medical deductible?
- I have every confidence I’ll heal in time for band camp.
- No. Actually, I pee myself when I’m feeling really confident.
- Might my plaintive weeping soften your heart?
- Mr. Log (The New York Times)
- OMG lol teh bl0g!!!1!1! (LiveJournal)
- weëblog (The New Yorker)
- we belong (Pat Benatar)
- free, uncredited leads (The Drudge Report)
- Weepin’ Tyler’s Tangy Grandma Rememberer
- The Great American Face Slap Factory
- The Homoerotic Context Erasinator (with salty rim)
- Cap’n Morgan’s Highe Seas Roofie Hyderr
- Daddy’s Dreams Desolvin’ Appletini
- Songs about “Rock ‘n’ Roll”
- Shriners in those stupid little cars
- genuinely amazed infants
- the scene in Casablanca where Lazlo makes everyone stand and sing “La Marseillaise”
- The Bill of Rights
- The distinguished cocksmoker from that hellhole, Mississippi
- The obsequious bootlicker from Virginia
- The exalted pederast from Kentucky
- The noisome harpy from California
- The fat-assed blowhard from that one flyover state
- Needy-looking guy in kilt
- Fat man with enormous parrot on his shoulder
- Chinese lady quietly trimming her toenails
- Stinky guy talking animatedly to fat guy’s parrot
- Smirky guy taking numerous phonecam pictures of stinky guy, fat guy, and parrot
- Stop Touching My Cat
- These Braids Have Cried
- Vegan Glances
- Birkenstock Exchange
- Am I Not Your Flower?
- Broderick Crawford
- Rondo Hatton
- Richard Dawson
- Paul Lynde
- Curly Joe DeRita
- Itchy Hope Circles
- Dollar Dousers
- Power Poverty ‘05!
- Check Chaserz
- Salary Squeezin’
- Do you have a snake and maybe a bunch of old towels?
- Man. Should’ve checked that one for a heartbeat.
- I used up all your matches.
- You guys insured?
- Wooo! The bitch is back!
- Minority Whip
- discretionary appropriations
- filibustering
- discharge petition
- franking privileges
- Wow. That’s a really expensive amp.
- That bass player has nice skin for someone who’s so unhappy.
- I wonder if they all have really cool apartments.
- Would it kill them to get a tambourine?
- Man. These guys sound a lot like Joy Division.
- class rings
- cap and gown fees
- Who’s Who Among American High School Students
- prom
- assemblies featuring christian rock bands
- If you had to go through my trash and pick one discarded item to represent how you felt about my butt, what would it be?
- If I were a piece of food caught in your teeth, would you pick me out? What kind of food would I be? Would I be delicious even after I’d been trapped between your molars since lunch?
- If the two of us were naked in a phone booth and we both had to fart really bad, how would we bring it up? Who would fart first, and would it smell like flowers?
- If I were a tumor, where would I be on your body? How long would it be before I metastasized to your liver?
- Please post the compliment you think I would most enjoy hearing about myself. Now, do this every morning.
- The Magna Carta
- Elvis’ “‘68 Comeback” Special
- Eddie Van Halen
- St. Anselm’s Ontological Argument
- Denny’s™ Grand Slam® Breakfast
- Fallen arches, while not precisely a medical myth, are largely a creation of ignorant liberal activists (and their spotty data).
- Elves are behind most headaches and nearly all cellphone dead zones.
- Seat belts cause many more auto fatalities than they prevent.
- Mint flavor is actually not refreshing at all.
- If you can successfully remove the label from your Michelob bottle—all in one piece—you’ll totally get laid tonight.
- Obsequious chain restaurant waitrons
- Any mention of King Tut requires playing the jokey Steve Martin song
- The unapologetic shittiness of airport food
- “Myanmar,” we must be reminded, was once known as “Burma”
- Someone in earshot will say “hella” repeatedly today (and I will cringe reflexively)
- Undertake bloody rampage on the set of The View
- Disembowel line-cutters at Walgreens
- Devour double-parkers on Taraval Street (and, ironically, the Chinese takeout that doomed them to their fate)
- Poke gentle, good-natured fun at less powerful monsters when we meet at social events
- Keep library books well past their due date
- My DSL seems to be slowing down pretty bad
- Peaches just aren’t as good as they used to be
- That one cashier at the Safeway is kind of a dick
- People should wear hats more
- Coffee is still just so great
- Infant slumbers in the sling of a powerful trebuchet
- Three napping newborns, juggled by slightly larger fourth baby
- Pile of sleeping babies, dressed as pirates, provide ballast for leaky catamaran
- Preemie in miniature bifocals used as precious paperweight
- Month-old twins nestle in a slowly warming crock pot
- Liberal senators want to award slutty girls free sub for 6th abortion
- Wearing green on Thursday makes you so totally gay
- Douche with Dr. Pepper and your baby will have luxurious brown hair
- When you masturbate on a Sunday, Jesus punches Keith Moon in the mouth
- Latex condoms make your kooch smell like a pork rind: forever!
- Robyn Hitchcock
- Ralph Steadman
- Salvador Dalí
- Richard Carpenter
- Francis Bacon
- Too Bon Jovi
- Too Adam Ant
- Not Avengers enough
- Too Dale Evans
- Oddly Amadeus
- Carparts – The Long Winters
- Everyone Choose Sides – The Wrens
- In the Street – Big Star
- The Slow Descent into Alcoholism – New Pornographers
- I Felt Like a Gringo – Minutemen