5ives

1. The Head Shop – Cincinnati, OH; 1976
1. Hair Vegas – Port Richey, FL; 1982
1. Hair on Earth – Tallahassee, FL; 1996
1. The Grateful Head – San Francisco, CA; 2002
1. Every Six Weeks – San Francisco, CA; 2005

1. a lot of hippies are selfish, unpleasant, and not particularly funny
1. people who argue well aren’t necessarily right
1. cars are kind of a weird thing to spend a lot of money on
1. people will do things for you if you ask them as a favor
1. angry waiters totally do things to your food

1. Wal-Mart’s everyday low prices
1. those accursed speakers of truth at Fox News
1. the bodacious racks of our many former child stars
1. those delicious steak fries
1. Bladder Buster Thursdays at that one place near campus

1. GTR
1. Mike & the Mechanics
1. Damn Yankees
1. USA for Africa
1. Power Station

1. your doggie
1. your 12-string
1. your new Nikon
1. your puppet friend
1. _Dianetics_

1. Jerry Lewis
1. Burt Bacharach
1. Bill O’Reilly
1. Rickey Henderson
1. Little Richard

1. Ofeibea Quist-Arcton
1. Nguyen Qui Duc
1. Sylvia Poggioli
1. Hermione Gee
1. Carol Anne Clark-Kelly (four first names!)

1. Madonna – Borderline
1. Pink Floyd – _Wish You Were Here_
1. Counting Crows – Angels of the Silences
1. Michael Jackson – _Off the Wall_
1. Kelly Clarkson – Since U Been Gone

1. Roger Whittaker
1. Bobby McFerrin
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger
1. my friend, Thomas
1. Ray Milland

1. call brand gin
1. AAA Plus
1. the large sake
1. the upgrade on Alaska Airlines
1. room service coffee

1. March of the Fornicating Bonobos
1. March of the Child-Bearing Male Seahorses
1. March of the Masturbating Chimps
1. March of the Husband-Eating Mantises
1. March of the Bearded Bachelors in Chaps

1. Write a short how-to
1. Start your title with a number
1. Talk about del.icio.us
1. Encourage people to “spread the word”
1. Embrace recursion

1. Incredulous field greens dancing on a ladder of parched lemon rind, served with tamarind glacé ($38)
1. Pan-asian calf leavings, dolloped en croute with cilantro-rose butter reduction ($46)
1. Polenta cash register, filled with walnut-barley rice pyramids, lightly dusted with Tang® ($67)
1. Artisan Rinds of Pork ($19)
1. Single 20-dollar bill served raw, with alternating dipping stations of wasabi and aioli ($87)

1. pre-huggable cutiebunchkins
1. unrealized attorney
1. The Lord’s compulsory intercourse receipt
1. untapped angel cluster
1. ante-baptized believer cells

1. Judith Miller
1. Henry Rollins
1. Barbara Ehrenreich
1. Sandra Tsing Lo
1. Robert Reich

1. non-quill pens
1. manmade flooring
1. store-bought ketchup
1. tetanus shots
1. inferior, mass-produced toilet paper

1. The stupider your ringtone, the longer it will take you to answer your phone.
1. The twin miracles of childbirth and pet ownership render you unable to share _one_ photo of anything.
1. If your vanity license plate makes any reference to the make of your vehicle, the people you work with despise you.
1. Ph.D.s who ask to be called “Doctor” should be prepared to refer to every college graduate as “Bachelor.”
1. If you own more than one Enya record you might as well buy all of them and make a little fort.

1. that he might enjoy one blessed _Matlock_ without needing to get up and make water
1. immediate death of that harlot Shoney’s waitress with the filthy mouth on her
1. ability to recall where he’s left his dag-goned pills
1. neighbor kid with the loud rap music delivered a plague of boils (or possibly locusts and frogs)
1. that he be granted one last chance to beat that pussy, Dukakis

1. Dr. Worm
1. Man, It’s So Loud in Here
1. They’ll Need a Crane
1. Birdhouse in your Soul
1. Don’t Let’s Start

1. Wall Street fat cats
1. mainstream media (MSM)
1. those bastard do-nothings back in DC
1. Hollywood liberals
1. New York jewry

1. D/F#
2. G/D
3. E5
4. Dsus4
5. Fmaj7

1. Nina Totenberg reads a transcript (1 drink)
1. oboe is heard (2 drinks)
1. Malcolm Gladwell reference (1 drink)
1. Scott Simon cracks himself up (1 drink)
1. Daniel Schorr mentions Watergate (3 drinks)

1. Hüsker Dü (ca. 1985)
1. Joy Division (ca. 1979)
1. The Comedian Harmonists (ca. 1933)
1. The Benny Goodman Orchestra (ca. 1938)
1. Talking Heads (ca. 1981)

1. Glimpse: Judge a Book by Just a Tiny Portion of Its Cover
1. Two Wrongs = Five Rights: Freakonomics & the New Ethics of Contradiction
1. Doy: Why “Dumb” Might Be Better After All
1. “No, No! You’re Still Doing it Wrong!”: Why America Won’t Abandon Its Outmoded Logical Frameworks and Completely Embrace Non-Fiction Bestsellers
1. “What’s the Matter with Pie?”: Fallacies of “Modern” “Nutrition”

1. Stewart Copeland (The Police)
1. Terry Bozzio (Missing Persons)
1. Cedric Sharpley (Gary Numan)
1. Terry Williams (Rockpile)
1. Clem Burke (Blondie)

1. Summer Breeze actually made them both a little edgy
1. In industry circles, Seals was rumored to have been behind an abortive plot to whack Bread, America, _and_ Poco
1. One hazy night in 1978, Crofts reportedly ate a tray of lasagna all by himself
1. Diamond Girl didn’t really shine so much as just occasionally glisten with perspiration
1. For the last couple years there, Crofts was carrying Seals like a baby

1. _Lucky Magazine_ subscription card
1. ibuprophen bottle
1. that one _New York Times Magazine_
1. ingredients of _Crest_
1. shampoo instructions

1. Magnum
1. Brass Monkey
1. Red, White, and Blue
1. Fisher ale
1. well-brand Scotch

1. Sexy Nurse
2. Sexy Cop
3. Sexy Alien
4. Sexy Hitler
5. Sexy Doris Roberts

1. the single eye
2. the star of cult TV show (with elliptical quote from same about life’s complexity)
3. the peering over the glasses
4. the “I’m looking balefully at something over here…”
5. the big ole cleavage