5ives

1. Often Punctual
1. Half-Assing’s King
1. So Hated Meetings
1. Largely Tolerated by Friends
1. Eventually Less Annoying Than in High School

1. Q.E.D.
1. Sword of Justice
1. Mr. T and Tina
1. The San Pedro Beach Bums
1. Pop! Goes the Country

1. de-friended by the singer from that band you never really liked anyway
1. flagging sales of your recent eBook on the sidewalk cafes of Southern Indiana
1. raw volume of co-workers who never even *acknowledge* your funny t-shirts
1. fucking Eggers never responded to your email
1. you totally had an eyebrow ring *months* before that goon from IT got one

1. chocolate fountain
1. melon baller
1. meat baster
1. boning knife
1. corn holders

1. “See Rock City”
1. “L.A. Law / Thursdays at 10”
1. “due diligence”
1. “Kajagoogoo4Evs”
1. “I fellate goats while sporting a tattoo that I was told says ‘Harley Davidson'”

1. Ginger gets badly hooked on coconut-based diet pills
1. Gilligan quietly begins surreptitious relationship with Mary Ann’s cut-offs
1. Mr. Howell acquires Skipper in stock-only buy-out
1. Intact Coast Guard ship lands in lagoon; Professor disassembles parts to construct ersatz wooden “rescue telephone”
1. Cousin Oliver arrives, reviving the tired franchise with his inspired island mayhem

1. “Dial-Up” – Ted Leo & the Pharmacists (Chris Wilson)
1. “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” – The Police (Stewart Copeland)
1. “Peg” – Steely Dan (Rick Marotta)
1. “Ceremony” – New Order (Stephen Morris)
1. “Harborcoat” – R.E.M. (Bill Berry)

1. poach eggs
1. long division
1. tap your phone
1. moblog
1. take no mess

1. Kevin repeatedly leaves baby in ashtray at check cashing store
1. Britney scores pyrrhic victory in tequila-soaked belly flop contest
1. new sitter hastily hired in parking lot of Jack in the Boxâ„¢
1. baby’s favorite beer bong often loaded with unpalatably lukewarm Coors
1. Kevin promises “that next li’l critter” as escrow toward new ATV

1. “How Soon is Now?” / The Smiths
1. “Blasphemous Rumors” / Depeche Mode
1. “Uncertain Smile” / The The
1. “If Only You Were Lonely” / The Replacements
1. “The Killing Moon” / Echo & the Bunnymen

1. perches atop a Shoney’s salad bar (throughout busy Mother’s Day holiday)
1. wedges deep in Ted Kennedy’s jowl (duration of lengthy filibuster)
1. stands dutifully in line at the DMV (16 weeks)
1. sealed in oversized Ziploc® bag; simply forgotten in back of fridge (2½ years)
1. attends taping of _Dr. Phil_ (60 minutes)

1. foxy boxing
1. bitch slap
1. jack-knifed big rig
1. junk in the trunk
1. hot stone massage

1. the carabiner
1. the big-ass ring of keys
1. the skateboard you never actually ride
1. the shurikens
1. the two-year-old condom

1. Diet Coke
1. vim
1. situps
1. kale
1. cats

1. “Rows Of Seated White Men Typing At Conferences”
1. “My Underlit Dessert With One Bite Missing”
1. “My Defenseless Child In A Funny Shirt I Made Him Wear”
1. “Attractive Man In His Twenties Playing An Electric Guitar”
1. “The Photo From This ‘Impromptu’ Self Portrait Series That Suggests I Don’t Have A Dewlap”

1. *Might*
1. *Ben is Dead*
1. *Beer Frame*
1. *Grand Royal*
1. *Thrift Score*

1. You Won’t See Me
1. Here, There, and Everywhere
1. I Feel Fine
1. Help!
1. We Can Work It Out

1. the muffintop
1. the whale tail
1. the be-ringed toe
1. the back tattoo
1. the pierced nostril

1. Bachelor in a Casserole
1. The Swirling Clergyman’s Lament
1. St. Sebastian’s Disused Quiver
1. Dolorous Dolores
1. Gracious Knows These Trousers Bind

1. completely
1. kind of
1. almost
1. not at all
1. figuratively

1. The Tree
1. The Bridge
1. The Pit
1. outside the Red Baron
1. Scott’s dad’s trailer

1. the little arrow in the FedEx logo
1. elderly couples in matching outfits
1. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by the Lovin’ Spoonful
1. _Candide_
1. Jack Horkheimer

1. “North to Nothing” / The Wrens
1. “Most People are DJs” / The Hold Steady
1. “Only Shallow” / My Bloody Valentine
1. “7/4 (Shoreline)” / Broken Social Scene
1. “See That Girl” / Kirsty MacColl

1. Mozart
1. Bizet
1. Beethoven
1. Bach
1. Tupac

1. voting for Pedro
1. doing the Dew
1. getting vertical
1. catching air
1. nailing the 720

1. Amazon Prime
1. no-foam soy lattes
1. ubiquitous clocks
1. Charles Shaw Cab Sav ($2/bottle)
1. The House of Prime Rib

1. Stand and Deliver – Adam & the Ants – 1982
1. So. Central Rain – R.E.M. – 1984
1. Brand New Love – Sebadoh – 1993
1. Listen to What the Man Said – Wings – 1975
1. Makes No Sense at All – Hüsker Dü – 1985

1. Skirtbot’s Screaming Monkey Cage (featuring “Tiffany”)
1. Tank and Fawn: The Q98 Dream Team
1. Lesbo and Günther’s Drivetime Wacky Pack
1. ¡Loco Pedro y El Pollo de la Mañana! (de Caliente 103)
1. The Fart Factory

1. “Peg” by Steely Dan
1. that dolorous “Magnadoodle” jingle
1. “Tom Sawyer” by Rush
1. “Cars” by Gary Numan
1. a song I made up about Madeline that rhymes her last name with “sinus”

1. I’ll mostly be seated and typing while I wear these shoes
1. I very rarely leave the house
1. There’s a paucity of rocks to climb in the Sunset District
1. I’d prefer shoes that don’t look like “The Visible Man”
1. These have _more than enough_ “torsion control” for smoking cigars and walking to the Walgreens