5ives

1. Two guys are caught–uh–enjoying one another’s company between two houses in a residential area. One speaks only Spanish, while the other speaks a kind of fractured English. When the second man is asked why his fly is down and there’s grass all over his back, he plays it off legit: “I doan know! He breeng me back here…maybe kill me or something and steal my money!”
2. Man is thrown off bus for disruptive behavior. Police, curious about the metallic sparkle on the tip of his nose, search him and discover a plastic bag with half an inch of liquified spray paint in it. Further searching reveals several pairs of ladies underwear–still on the teeny hangers–stuffed under his waistband. Every mother’s nightmare; their son on a binge of spray paint huffing and panty theft.
3. Woman pulled over for suspicious driving speaks gibberish: “You can squeeze my wrist all you want, whoremongers, but you ain’t gonna get nothing but my wallet.” Sublime.
4. Enormous, naked, bleeding, cracked-up man in barber shop must be subdued by five or six officers.
5. Man coerces estranged girlfriend (smoking a butt in a beaded fringe t-shirt) to talk to him by offering money, a carton of cigarettes, or a steak and shrimp dinner.

1. Corn snake in bedroom, 1984
2. Mother Opossum on the back porch, 1994
3. White mouse, captured under 5-gallon bucket, 1980
4. Turtle in side yard, 1977
5. Imaginary alligator in bathroom, 1972

1. Hair gel
2. Puns
3. Expressions of sympathy
4. Novelty records
5. Comments on a breakup

1. “What are you guys, some kind of head fuck band?”
   (Guy with a mullet at a Bacon Ray show, 1995)
2. “As far as I’m concerned, all you new wavers are in purgatory.”
   (Doorman at Backstreets, 1990)
3. “If he’s not, he’s missing his best bet.”
   (Sam’s Dad, asked if their interior decorator was gay, 1984)
4. “The heft of your rhetoric far outweighs the fragility of your insights.”
   (Mac Miller, upon reading my first paper for Vonnegut class, 1986)
5. “If you played with your fingers, you’d sound like Stanley Clarke.”
   (Sound man at Yanni’s to Mike Coleman, 1993)

1. The Texas Cheesecake Depository
2. Professor P. J. Cornucopia’s Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery
3. The Spaghetti Laboratory
4. Face Stuffers
5. P. Piggly Hogswine’s Super Smorg

1. 1 lb. of bacon
2. 2 lbs. of sausage
3. Dozen eggs
4. Loaf of toast
5. Coffee

1. L Taraval
2. 22 Fillmore
3. N Judah
4. 5 Fulton
5. 66 Quintara

1. Fork, four-tined
2. Large spoon
3. Knife, serrated
4. Salad tongs
5. Slotted serving spoon

1. Adam & the Ants
2. The Who
3. Black Sabbath
4. The Police
5. The Beatles

1. Accountant
2. Lawyer
3. Minister
4. President of a Bank
5. Funnycar driver

1. The Kids from C.A.P.E.R
2. The Dukes of Hazzard
3. Mission: Impossible
4. Lancelot Link
5. SWAT

1. Back acne
2. Siblings
3. Ulcers
4. Access to hard drugs
5. An affinity for sports

1. Hooters
2. “Just stopping by this one guy’s house for a minute”
3. Bars where women sell shots in test tubes
4. Rooms containing teenagers
5. Anyplace people are praying

1. Reserved
2. Bootylicious
3. Thrifty
4. Laconic
5. Hospitaliano

1. “Wings night!”
2. Softball
3. Asking/being asked “how was your weekend?”
4. “Sign the birthday card…pass it on”
5. Boss picks ass while walking down hallway

1. Frequently ate nothing but mashed potatoes and piping hot coffee
2. Liked watching girls wrestle in their underpants
3. Had a chimp that did dirty things to visitors
4. Hated his own movies–especially the scripts and his acting
5. Gave all his “guys” matching mobile homes

1. Job
2. Paul
3. Jesus
4. Moses
5. God

1. Large gong behind drummer
2. > 3 guitar players
3. Teleprompters
4. Anyone wearing own band’s t shirt (bonus if it’s for the current tour)
5. Opening with a cover

1. At home, I hallucinated that Suzie was a limited edition Elizabeth Taylor Denny’s children’s menu (complete with punchouts and maze game)
2. Completely unclear how I made it to work (as busboy at a steakhouse)
3. Foolishly attempted to pick up 40-lb tray of dirty dishes; I ask to go home (“very, very sick”)
4. Grandma picks me up. She has a nose bleed. She talks compulsively as she drives northbound into southbound US 19 traffic.
5. My eyes roll back in my head. Grandma prays aloud as she careens off the road. This is a true story

1. Eaten by a large purple dragon. He flies around, and the lavender sunlight shines through his translucent skin as I sit nervously in his stomach, 1971
2. Score big touchdown and fall in end zone. Stunning blond girl my age (12) stoops down, smiles and kisses me square on the mouth, 1979
3. “It’s a small world”-style boat ride through the Ringling Museum, 1992
4. I fly in deft circles around our 12 x 12 living room, 1974
5. Slow-motion camera work captures my concentration as I crouch and then effortlessly leap over Melissa’s (the fireman’s daughter) house, 1976

1. Stan Ridgway, “The Big Heat”
2. R.E.M., “Lifes Rich Pageant”
3. The Smiths, “The Queen is Dead”
4. Big Audio Dynamite, “This is Big Audio Dynamite”
5. Dead Kennedys/Black Flag Mix Tape

1. Catwoman (Batman)
2. Joy (the Bugaloos)
3. Bat Girl (Batman)
4. Julie (The Mod Squad)
5. Gwen (Airport)

1. Tortoise
2. Java
3. SUVs
4. Goldfish
5. Mormons

1. Evan Feldman, 1986
2. Pete Cerny, 1987
3. [The guy who listened to Pat Matheny], 1987
4. Richard & Jake, 1988
5. Michael & Dan, 1989

1. 2CB with Dawn, Rick’s House, 1988
2. Sugarcube with Lynn, Rm 146, 1987
3. 1/2 tab + 1/2 X with Kim, Tony, Schick & Terri, Butgereit, et al, Sandor’s motel, 1994
4. 2/3 tab, Hamilton Center, 1993 (StarBuster night!)
5. San Pedro (tar-based cactus), West Campus with Pete, Lynn, Ron, Chris, & friends, 1986

1. Jack Stayin, Stepfather, 1982
2. John Brown, Landlord, 1989
3. John Cooper, House father, 1979
4. Don Price, Landlord, 1990
5. Mike Something, Landlord, 1983

1. Lisa Hughes, 1976 (the big one)
2. Michele Crumley, 1982-1985 (sporadically, later requited)
3. Kim Mundt, 1990 (later requited)
4. Donna Hall, 1982
5. Kismet Abbey, 1981

1. 2 Quarts of Magnum, followed by a flask of Clan MacGregor. Ferguson plays me “Everything Flows” for the first time, I cover myself in patchouli and pass out on Charlie’s bed. Next day: Madonna-thon and 12 hours of vomiting, 1990.
2. Soft serve after oral surgery, 1978
3. Southern Comfort & Mountain Dew with KC Misemer, 1985
4. “Holy Grail” at Rich Gennaro’s house, 1984
5. Sausage dog, followed by 15-minute-walk-run, 1980

1. Finger slammed in heavy door at Weeki Wachee, 1969
2. Hearing Light my Fire on the radio, 1972
3. Chocolate fondue accidentally spilled on head by choir leader, 1976
4. Tall guy, wearing black shoes with no socks, 1972
5. Mom’s friend’s daughter talking about pot and singing “Stairway to Heaven” as we walked down the street, 1975

1. Moving to Florida, 1979
2. Accordion Lessons, 1977
3. That one bad haircut, 1981
4. Military School, 1979-1980
5. Mom came home early, 1984