- “Bring Back my Baby!” (Merdith Baxter)
- “Hey, That’s my Baby You’ve Got!” (Suzanne Somers)
- “Baby, Come Back” (Mariel Hemingway)
- “My Baby is Missing!” (Anne Heche)
- “Baby in a Tree: A True Story” (Mariette Hartley)
- Hit fenders repeatedly with a ball-peen hammer
- Defecate on windshield
- Break into trunk, fill with AOL® discs
- Throw razor-sharp lawn darts at tires
- Draw pee-pees and woo-woos on the driver-side door
- No Shit Sherlock
- You Rot
- A Homo Sez What?
- Sped!
- Doy
- 37
- 1
- 5
- 10
- you’re not thinking of a number
- Freaky French manicure constantly inspected and maintained
- Seems to really enjoy saying “Solutions Seminar” over and over
- Cell phone’s “Für Elise” ringtone
- Thumb ring thought to be quietly boho, perhaps in a T.G.I. Friday’s kind of way
- Loves that fucking speakerphone, doesn’t she?
- my nigga
- bodacious rack
- tequila poppers
- fully monetized
- mental floss
- I used to underbid other web developers by saying “The Requirements Process? Fuck that! They’re trying to soak you!” (1997)
- I used to forward things I thought were funny to lots of people via email (1994)
- I voted for Nader/LaDuke (2000)
- I used to be a telemarketer (1984)
- I used to “snake” on (mean) people’s hamburgers at McDonald’s (1985)
- Paolo Frechetti’s Original “Zodiac”
- Gravitage
- Fünk Mechanicz!
- “New Zodiac,” featuring Rob Volaré and Martin “Mook” Beelman
- The Feelin’ Fines
- O’Hurlington’s Beet Majesty in Unrendered Goo: 12-oz. Can
- Generic-brand 12-Bean Ranchero Puffs with Cornsilk Dip’n Sauce: FunPak™ of 5
- Mysterious Lady Friend’s Pork Torquelinas in Brine: 14-oz. can (with attached Brinevelope)
- “No Fucking Way is This Flan!” (aka N.F.W.I.T.F.®): 12 4-oz. pellets
- Shiftless José’s Organic Taco-style Shell Product with Embarcadero Cheezey Drizzlin’s: 15-piece “¡Bueno Suerte!” case
- Pricey McMarkup’s House of Suspicious Deals
- Hot Fence Electronics Village
- Kostly Kornerz
- Chez Ripoffski: A Retailerié
- Misleadington’s Big Box
- Champ
- Chief
- Big Shot
- Fruity
- Tex
- Six pack of domestic beer: $3.00
- 2-bedroom house: $25,000
- Handgun: $20,000 and up
- Handjob: $5.00
- Admission to First-run Movie: $2.00
- Drink coffee
- Work on Ray Milland impersonation
- Read advice columns, scoff
- Water the aloe plant
- Make lists of five things
- Large gift ham in tasteful wicker basket
- Romantic boatride with Pavarotti (plus one other tenor to be named)
- Their weight in comfortable athletic shoes from Target™
- Semi-nude lap dance from former Senator Bob Dole, optional night of closed-mouth kissing
- Big old box of “Oriental”-flavored Top Ramen™
- “Hold on Loosely,” by .38 Special
- “Stairway to Heaven,” by Led Zeppelin
- “Spirit of Radio,” by Rush
- “Sister Christian,” by Night Ranger
- “Don’t Stop Believin’,” by Journey
- “June’s Foreign Spell,” by Spoon
- “Snowsuit Sound,” by Sloan
- “Come On, Come On,” by Cheap Trick
- “Car Radio,” by Spoon
- “Rocks Off,” by the Rolling Stones
- Law & Order
- The Sopranos
- Six Feet Under
- The West Wing
- Newshour
- A morbid fear of closing a cat in a door
- Uncontrollable counting of patterns of four
- Repeatedly listening to “Convoy” by C.W. McCall
- The constant sense that I’d forgotten to wear pants
- Wondering if I was the only human and everyone else was a robot placed here by God or a scientist
- The Devil’s Handbag
- Dead Man’s Meadow
- The Widow Encourager
- Pointy Spikes Through Your Eyes Junction
- Thumbsnatch Cove
- If it happens that my death occurred in some public place, there is to be no ersatz memorial created on that location comprised of teddy bears, mylar balloons, or terrible poems written on posterboard in pink Magic Marker™. This is very, very important.
- If you choose to have any kind of service “memorializing” me, there will be no use of the phrase “looking down on us.”
- At no time is any outraged friend or family member to appear in public looking indignant and holding up a framed photograph of me.
- If you refer to anything I’ve ever done as “brave,” “courageous,” or “special,” I will personally come back from the grave and shit angry ghost turds in your coffee pot.
- If the resources exist and the weather is fine, I’d prefer to have my remains torn asunder by vicious dogs while “Tusk” is performed by an enthusiastic high school marching band.
- I dress like a slightly-retarded farm hand
- I drink Natural Light Beer almost exclusively
- I still can’t distinguish spoken Cantonese from Mandarin
- I still say things like “I’m not paying $2000 a month so you can block my driveway, Bub!”
- I still think “Eww” every time I step over a human turd on the sidewalk
- How Kitties Pray
- Sleep Your Carcinoma Away
- Healthy Tomorrow…with Tarragon!
- Armchair Aerobic Crunch
- International Images of Jesus in Bread
- Pit-Pat
- Col. Sanders
- Hamburglar
- Burger Chef & Jeff
- Quaker Oats Guy
- Commercial for ventriloquist movie, “Magic”
- Tiny animated Chuck Wagon chased by dog
- Chanel #5 swimming pool ad
- Calgon: Ancient Chinese Secret
- John Cameron Swayze Timex ads
- No Time for Sundays
- Die on Your Own Time
- Tumbler of Bullets
- Game for Two
- Fall Down Faster, Lovely
- Bob Trumpy
- Steve Garvey
- Tommy Lasorda
- Ron Cey
- Davey Lopes
- Dutch Masters™ cigars
- Turkey Salami
- Tab™
- Head Cheese
- Human souls
- Stone Phillips
- Steve Vai
- Dr. Phil
- Trent Lott (pantsless, especially)
- David Soul
- My novelization of “The Warriors”
- My grassroots movement to begin an “Animal House”-style fraternity
- Paper torn from spiral notebooks (“I don’t need any frilly underwear,” he’d creepily declare)
- My extemporaneous remarks on the principal’s Nordic accent
- Monkey business
- Sack Lunch
- Rochelle, Rochelle
- Cry, Cry Again
- Death Blow
- Prognosis Negative