Five terrible fake movies on Lifetime this week (and who each stars)

  1. “Bring Back my Baby!” (Merdith Baxter)
  2. “Hey, That’s my Baby You’ve Got!” (Suzanne Somers)
  3. “Baby, Come Back” (Mariel Hemingway)
  4. “My Baby is Missing!” (Anne Heche)
  5. “Baby in a Tree: A True Story” (Mariette Hartley)
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake movies on Lifetime this week (and who each stars)

Five things anyone in earshot should legally be permitted to do to a car for as long as its alarm is falsely blaring

  1. Hit fenders repeatedly with a ball-peen hammer
  2. Defecate on windshield
  3. Break into trunk, fill with AOL® discs
  4. Throw razor-sharp lawn darts at tires
  5. Draw pee-pees and woo-woos on the driver-side door
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things anyone in earshot should legally be permitted to do to a car for as long as its alarm is falsely blaring

Five Childhood Taunts or Local Indie Rock Bands

  1. No Shit Sherlock
  2. You Rot
  3. A Homo Sez What?
  4. Sped!
  5. Doy
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Childhood Taunts or Local Indie Rock Bands

Five guesses at the number you’re thinking of right now

  1. 37
  2. 1
  3. 5
  4. 10
  5. you’re not thinking of a number
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five guesses at the number you’re thinking of right now

Five grating things about that chick from Marketing

  1. Freaky French manicure constantly inspected and maintained
  2. Seems to really enjoy saying “Solutions Seminar” over and over
  3. Cell phone’s “Für Elise” ringtone
  4. Thumb ring thought to be quietly boho, perhaps in a T.G.I. Friday’s kind of way
  5. Loves that fucking speakerphone, doesn’t she?
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five grating things about that chick from Marketing

Five phrases I very rarely use

  1. my nigga
  2. bodacious rack
  3. tequila poppers
  4. fully monetized
  5. mental floss
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five phrases I very rarely use

Five karmic burdens I’ll be burning off for years

  1. I used to underbid other web developers by saying “The Requirements Process? Fuck that! They’re trying to soak you!” (1997)
  2. I used to forward things I thought were funny to lots of people via email (1994)
  3. I voted for Nader/LaDuke (2000)
  4. I used to be a telemarketer (1984)
  5. I used to “snake” on (mean) people’s hamburgers at McDonald’s (1985)
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five karmic burdens I’ll be burning off for years

Five shitty bands that play the lounge in that hotel near your airport

  1. Paolo Frechetti’s Original “Zodiac”
  2. Gravitage
  3. Fünk Mechanicz!
  4. “New Zodiac,” featuring Rob Volaré and Martin “Mook” Beelman
  5. The Feelin’ Fines
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five shitty bands that play the lounge in that hotel near your airport

Five donations that, frankly, the food bank has had just about enough of

  1. O’Hurlington’s Beet Majesty in Unrendered Goo: 12-oz. Can
  2. Generic-brand 12-Bean Ranchero Puffs with Cornsilk Dip’n Sauce: FunPak™ of 5
  3. Mysterious Lady Friend’s Pork Torquelinas in Brine: 14-oz. can (with attached Brinevelope)
  4. “No Fucking Way is This Flan!” (aka N.F.W.I.T.F.®): 12 4-oz. pellets
  5. Shiftless José’s Organic Taco-style Shell Product with Embarcadero Cheezey Drizzlin’s: 15-piece “¡Bueno Suerte!” case
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five donations that, frankly, the food bank has had just about enough of

Five terrible names for local retail stores

  1. Pricey McMarkup’s House of Suspicious Deals
  2. Hot Fence Electronics Village
  3. Kostly Kornerz
  4. Chez Ripoffski: A Retailerié
  5. Misleadington’s Big Box
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible names for local retail stores

Five good names to call people when you forget their real name

  1. Champ
  2. Chief
  3. Big Shot
  4. Fruity
  5. Tex
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five good names to call people when you forget their real name

Five things and what they should cost

  1. Six pack of domestic beer: $3.00
  2. 2-bedroom house: $25,000
  3. Handgun: $20,000 and up
  4. Handjob: $5.00
  5. Admission to First-run Movie: $2.00
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things and what they should cost

Five things to do when you should be looking for a job

  1. Drink coffee
  2. Work on Ray Milland impersonation
  3. Read advice columns, scoff
  4. Water the aloe plant
  5. Make lists of five things
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things to do when you should be looking for a job

Five things I owe to Michael N., Andrew H., and all the other kind folks who school me when I break my stupid style sheets

  1. Large gift ham in tasteful wicker basket
  2. Romantic boatride with Pavarotti (plus one other tenor to be named)
  3. Their weight in comfortable athletic shoes from Target™
  4. Semi-nude lap dance from former Senator Bob Dole, optional night of closed-mouth kissing
  5. Big old box of “Oriental”-flavored Top Ramen™
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things I owe to Michael N., Andrew H., and all the other kind folks who school me when I break my stupid style sheets

Five songs to which, in previous lives, I have, inexplicably, slow-danced with a girl

  1. “Hold on Loosely,” by .38 Special
  2. “Stairway to Heaven,” by Led Zeppelin
  3. “Spirit of Radio,” by Rush
  4. “Sister Christian,” by Night Ranger
  5. “Don’t Stop Believin’,” by Journey
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five songs to which, in previous lives, I have, inexplicably, slow-danced with a girl

Five songs that always make me do that weird, strutting, Mick Jagger chicken dance

  1. “June’s Foreign Spell,” by Spoon
  2. “Snowsuit Sound,” by Sloan
  3. “Come On, Come On,” by Cheap Trick
  4. “Car Radio,” by Spoon
  5. “Rocks Off,” by the Rolling Stones
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five songs that always make me do that weird, strutting, Mick Jagger chicken dance

Five TV themes for which I often create an impromptu interpretive dance

  1. Law & Order
  2. The Sopranos
  3. Six Feet Under
  4. The West Wing
  5. Newshour
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five TV themes for which I often create an impromptu interpretive dance

Five Somewhat Novel Compulsions I had at one time or another

  1. A morbid fear of closing a cat in a door
  2. Uncontrollable counting of patterns of four
  3. Repeatedly listening to “Convoy” by C.W. McCall
  4. The constant sense that I’d forgotten to wear pants
  5. Wondering if I was the only human and everyone else was a robot placed here by God or a scientist
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Somewhat Novel Compulsions I had at one time or another

Five terrible fake names the locals call that one dangerous place outside of town

  1. The Devil’s Handbag
  2. Dead Man’s Meadow
  3. The Widow Encourager
  4. Pointy Spikes Through Your Eyes Junction
  5. Thumbsnatch Cove
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake names the locals call that one dangerous place outside of town

Five requests with regard to my eventual death

  1. If it happens that my death occurred in some public place, there is to be no ersatz memorial created on that location comprised of teddy bears, mylar balloons, or terrible poems written on posterboard in pink Magic Marker™. This is very, very important.
  2. If you choose to have any kind of service “memorializing” me, there will be no use of the phrase “looking down on us.”
  3. At no time is any outraged friend or family member to appear in public looking indignant and holding up a framed photograph of me.
  4. If you refer to anything I’ve ever done as “brave,” “courageous,” or “special,” I will personally come back from the grave and shit angry ghost turds in your coffee pot.
  5. If the resources exist and the weather is fine, I’d prefer to have my remains torn asunder by vicious dogs while “Tusk” is performed by an enthusiastic high school marching band.
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five requests with regard to my eventual death

Five things that make it somewhat obvious I’m not originally from San Francisco

  1. I dress like a slightly-retarded farm hand
  2. I drink Natural Light Beer almost exclusively
  3. I still can’t distinguish spoken Cantonese from Mandarin
  4. I still say things like “I’m not paying $2000 a month so you can block my driveway, Bub!”
  5. I still think “Eww” every time I step over a human turd on the sidewalk
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things that make it somewhat obvious I’m not originally from San Francisco

Five terrible fake titles for those tiny booklets sold in the supermarket check-out line

  1. How Kitties Pray
  2. Sleep Your Carcinoma Away
  3. Healthy Tomorrow…with Tarragon!
  4. Armchair Aerobic Crunch
  5. International Images of Jesus in Bread
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake titles for those tiny booklets sold in the supermarket check-out line

Five favorite branded characters

  1. Pit-Pat
  2. Col. Sanders
  3. Hamburglar
  4. Burger Chef & Jeff
  5. Quaker Oats Guy
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five favorite branded characters

Five TV Commercials that Haunted Me as a Child

  1. Commercial for ventriloquist movie, “Magic”
  2. Tiny animated Chuck Wagon chased by dog
  3. Chanel #5 swimming pool ad
  4. Calgon: Ancient Chinese Secret
  5. John Cameron Swayze Timex ads
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five TV Commercials that Haunted Me as a Child

Five terrible fake names for James Bond movies

  1. No Time for Sundays
  2. Die on Your Own Time
  3. Tumbler of Bullets
  4. Game for Two
  5. Fall Down Faster, Lovely
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake names for James Bond movies

Five sports stars I met on May 18, 1979

  1. Bob Trumpy
  2. Steve Garvey
  3. Tommy Lasorda
  4. Ron Cey
  5. Davey Lopes
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five sports stars I met on May 18, 1979

Five odd things my hateful stepfather consumed in large quantities

  1. Dutch Masters™ cigars
  2. Turkey Salami
  3. Tab™
  4. Head Cheese
  5. Human souls
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five odd things my hateful stepfather consumed in large quantities

Five celebrities who would really creep me out if I found them sitting in my living room when I got home from the Safeway

  1. Stone Phillips
  2. Steve Vai
  3. Dr. Phil
  4. Trent Lott (pantsless, especially)
  5. David Soul
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five celebrities who would really creep me out if I found them sitting in my living room when I got home from the Safeway

Five Things Banned by Mr. Marsh, 5th Grade teacher

  1. My novelization of “The Warriors”
  2. My grassroots movement to begin an “Animal House”-style fraternity
  3. Paper torn from spiral notebooks (“I don’t need any frilly underwear,” he’d creepily declare)
  4. My extemporaneous remarks on the principal’s Nordic accent
  5. Monkey business
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Things Banned by Mr. Marsh, 5th Grade teacher

Five Favorite Movies in Seinfeld

  1. Sack Lunch
  2. Rochelle, Rochelle
  3. Cry, Cry Again
  4. Death Blow
  5. Prognosis Negative
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Favorite Movies in Seinfeld