Five cool words I’ve been having trouble working into a normal sentence

  1. trepanation
  2. illiquid
  3. defenestration
  4. antediluvian
  5. kopophobia
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five cool words I’ve been having trouble working into a normal sentence

Five unrelated things I’ve noticed about myself since moving to California in 1999

  1. I curse like a sailor, even in mixed company
  2. I don’t really enjoy reading novels very much
  3. I should stop interrupting people
  4. I don’t understand the game of craps at all
  5. I should eat much more fruit
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five unrelated things I’ve noticed about myself since moving to California in 1999

Five things I just can’t get behind for some reason

  1. Using the phrase “First Annual”
  2. Foot tattoos
  3. Talk radio
  4. Heroin
  5. Televised awards shows
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things I just can’t get behind for some reason

Five things I like more than I want to admit

  1. Speaking in the passive voice
  2. The Old Testament
  3. Justin Timberlake
  4. Waking up really early
  5. Saying “See you in cyberspace!” when I drunkenly leave a party
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things I like more than I want to admit

Five fake names I like to give at restaurants

  1. Mr. Bob Dobalina
  2. Thorstenson Finlandson
  3. Rrrrrrrrrroberto!
  4. Bubb Rubb
  5. Dr. Julius Kelp
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five fake names I like to give at restaurants

Five good responses for telemarketers or collection agencies

  1. I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with human sacrifice?
  2. Seriously, will you still be this interested in me after we’ve dated for a while?
  3. Would you be able to tell if I were defecating right now?
  4. I am French. Your money means nothing to me.
  5. I can smell your panties through the phone.
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five good responses for telemarketers or collection agencies

Five terrible fake names for Michael Jackson’s children

  1. Popcorn Marie Jackson
  2. Backrub Jackson
  3. John Paul Michael Ringo Jackson
  4. Catbox Mel Ramen Pants Jackson
  5. Mannix II
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake names for Michael Jackson’s children

Five terrible fake names for failed dotcom design firms

  1. AwkwardFish.com
  2. DreamShepherds.com
  3. PicklePixel.com
  4. CashNozzle.com
  5. MonkeyMonkey.com
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake names for failed dotcom design firms

Five actors and the roles for which I’d like to see them nominated for an Oscar®

  1. Jennifer Lopez (Struggling single mother and diner waitress, beset with late-onset acromegaly melts the hearts of her recent-immigrant customers)
  2. John Goodman (Struggling morbidly obese food critic, tragically born without a hypothalamus, devours flatware and crockery of Chicago’s finest eateries)
  3. Jim Carrey (Struggling set of profoundly retarded triplets with intermittent psychic abilities fails to consistently predict important international events)
  4. Brittany Murphy (Struggling double-amputee, 1/4-Cherokee law student with mild IBS teaches a town of old fogies how to dance…and, consequently, to love)
  5. Haley Joel Osment (Struggling child actor faces decreasing cuteness and an intruding urge to kill)
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five actors and the roles for which I’d like to see them nominated for an Oscar®

Five disturbing fake names for ejaculate

  1. La Salsa Hombre
  2. Onan’s Bearnaise
  3. Love Pollution
  4. Saint Mayo’s Spread of Desperation
  5. Instant Daddy Mix
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five disturbing fake names for ejaculate

Five things that make it hard for me to take you seriously

  1. Finding ways to mention you don’t own a TV. Repeatedly.
  2. Expecting me to call you “Doctor”
  3. Pronouncing the French film festival “kahn”
  4. That little Garth Brooks headset you use with the cell phone
  5. Using the word “vortal” without a speck of irony
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things that make it hard for me to take you seriously

Five wallets I’ve enjoyed

  1. Adam & the Ants screen-printed velcro sports wallet (1982)
  2. Levi’s© denim billfold with patch (1978)
  3. Sharper Imageâ„¢ taxicab driver’s wallet (1999)
  4. (My late father’s) Masonic wallet, featuring enormous creepy “G” (1976)
  5. Two rubberbands (1988)
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five wallets I’ve enjoyed

Five things you just don’t hear much about anymore

  1. Bumper pool
  2. est
  3. Macramé
  4. Pogs
  5. T’Pau
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things you just don’t hear much about anymore

Five Records I Listened to on the Way to Work (SF to Menlo Park; February, 2001)

  1. Belle & Sebastian / Fold your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant
  2. Badly Drawn Boy / The Hour of Bewilderbeast
  3. The Zombies / Odessey & Oracle
  4. Oranger / Doorway to Norway
  5. The Posies / Amazing Disgrace
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Records I Listened to on the Way to Work (SF to Menlo Park; February, 2001)

Five Hall & Oates songs I often have in my head

  1. I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)
  2. Kiss on my List
  3. Private Eyes
  4. When the Morning Comes
  5. You Make My Dreams
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Hall & Oates songs I often have in my head

Five records I listened to after school (1983)

  1. Ozzy Osbourne / The Blizzard of Ozz
  2. The Who / Tommy
  3. Adam & the Ants / Prince Charming
  4. Night Ranger / Dawn Patrol
  5. Cheap Trick / One on One
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five records I listened to after school (1983)

Five ideas I had when I was 14

  1. My best friend, John Patten, and I should live in a fanciful treehouse with our future wives and a menagerie of mostly wild animals
  2. There should be a national system where everyone has to get a permanent identifying mark so the police know who they are (my paternal grandmother informs this is fascism and that it’s historically been frowned upon in the US)
  3. People should give me a TV show where I can talk to all of my favorite performers from a variety of media. Early guests were slated to include John Schneider, Blackjack Mulligan Jr. (nee “Barry Windham”), and Devo.
  4. Diane Lane (or possibly Jill Whelan) should kiss me deeply and often
  5. I should be allowed to play Tic-Tac-Dough for money, from my home, since I got so many of the questions right every night.
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five ideas I had when I was 14

Five words that are fun to say in an elaborate Jerry Lewis voice

  1. Laden
  2. Helmac
  3. Hoisin
  4. Finland
  5. Havlicek
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five words that are fun to say in an elaborate Jerry Lewis voice

Five terrible fake names for a sensitive singer/songwriter’s album

  1. Gentle Saltine Days
  2. 2 Tickets to Me
  3. Waving at Yesterdays
  4. (Get Inside) The Pencils of my Mind
  5. The Ironic Woman
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake names for a sensitive singer/songwriter’s album

Five terrible fake euphemisms for defecating

  1. Carpet bombing
  2. Trimming Daddy’s Christmas tree
  3. Flipping my burgers
  4. Busting a Pollock
  5. Rewarding our heroes
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake euphemisms for defecating

Five Records I Listened to on the Way to Work (Tallahassee; Summer, 1999)

  1. Silkworm / In the West
  2. Creeper Lagoon / I Become Small and Go
  3. Guided by Voices / Do the Collapse
  4. Pavement / Terror Twilight
  5. Elliott Smith / XO
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Records I Listened to on the Way to Work (Tallahassee; Summer, 1999)

Five (presumably) fake personality tests (and what I think my result would be)

  1. Which piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken are you? (thigh)
  2. Which abusive celebrity parent are you? (Joan Crawford)
  3. Which unreleased Jerry Lewis vehicle are you? (The Day the Clown Cried)
  4. Which difficult calisthenic are you? (sit ups)
  5. Which odd euphemism for sexual intercourse are you? (genital congress)
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five (presumably) fake personality tests (and what I think my result would be)

Five terrible fake Brian Wilson songs from the mid-70s

  1. Envelopes are Good for Mailing Letters
  2. (We’re Having) Leftover Pot Roast for Lunch
  3. 12:15, 12:15–It’s Almost 12:16
  4. Mike Keeps Hollering (at Me and My Imaginary Friend)
  5. French Fries in My Beard (Make Me Happy, But Sometimes Very Sad)
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five terrible fake Brian Wilson songs from the mid-70s

Five extraordinary food and drink deals within three blocks of our flat

  1. 16oz. of BBQ pork chow mein & 3 dim sum of your choice: $2.33 (Bay Pastry)
  2. Forestville 2000 Cabernet Sauvignon, 1.5l bottle: $8.49 (Sevan Liquors [a/k/a “The Little Laotian Man”])
  3. 1/4 BBQ duck, 1/4 soy sauce chicken, served over baby bok choy and enormous pile of white rice: $3.50 (8 Immortals Seafood Restaurant)
  4. Huge-ass steak burrito with avocado, rice, and beans: $4.00 (El Burrito Express)
  5. 3 crispy tacos: $2.00 w/coupon (Taco Bell/KFC)
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five extraordinary food and drink deals within three blocks of our flat

Five Celebrities Who Wrote Me Back

  1. H.R. Pufnstuf (1970)
  2. Tony the Tiger (1973)
  3. Santa (numerous)
  4. Gerald Ford (1975)
  5. Jonathan Richman (1988)
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Celebrities Who Wrote Me Back

Five LPs the RCA Music Club Erroneously Sent to My House, 1978

1. The Beach Boys / Greatest Hits
2. The Monkees / Greatest Hits
3. KISS / Destroyer
4. Peter Frampton / Comes Alive
5. Dolly Parton / The Best of…

Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five LPs the RCA Music Club Erroneously Sent to My House, 1978

Five Actors I Constantly Confuse with One Another

  1. Brian Dennehy
  2. Dolph Sweet
  3. Wilford Brimley
  4. Charles Durning
  5. That one guy who’s on Law & Order sometimes
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Actors I Constantly Confuse with One Another

Five Things You Might Want to Reconsider

  1. Relining your own brakes
  2. Wearing that tube-top
  3. Ending your emails with “Cheers!”
  4. Naming the kid “Tyler”
  5. Watching that same “Friends” again
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Things You Might Want to Reconsider

Five things Ozzy Osbourne would like you to do for him tonight

  1. Put your hands in the air!
  2. Go crazy!
  3. Make some noise!
  4. Put your hands in the fucking air!
  5. Clap them fucking hands!
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five things Ozzy Osbourne would like you to do for him tonight

Five Good Places to be Menaced by Bullies

  1. Playground at recess
  2. That place in the woods where the bad kids smoke
  3. Behind the Burger Chef
  4. Parking lot of the skating rink
  5. At the mall, outside “Hoffritz for Cutlery”
Posted in five things | Comments Off on Five Good Places to be Menaced by Bullies