5ives

1. Wearing a monocle
2. Developing and deploying a complex personal gang sign
3. Angrily demanding that people call me “Colonel”
4. Speaking exclusively in terrible cockney rhyming slang
5. Constantly referring to “my novella”

1. Kihntankerous
2. Kihnjoined Twins
3. Kihn-Tiki
4. Under Kihnstruction
5. Kihntucky Rain

1. Incentivize
2. Deplane
3. Impact
4. Blog
5. Party

1. Roach clip with feathers
2. Coarsely grained, oddly hard, stuffed animal
3. Lynyrd Skynyrd coke mirror
4. Another throw
5. Big-ass pink comb

1. Painters’ pants worn with ‘Mork’ rainbow suspenders and Dallas Cowboys 3/4-sleeve shirt (1979)
2. Johnny Bench sneakers (1975)
3. T-shirt airbrushed with the cover of “Wolverine #1” comic book (1982)
4. Hüsker Dü “Metal Circus” t-shirt (1987)
5. Batman halloween costume (1972)

1. Metallica / Master of Puppets
2. Sousa / Marches
3. Beastie Boys / Paul’s Boutique
4. Laibach / Life is Life
5. Sonic Youth / Daydream Nation

1. Peter (throws an elaborate party and no one comes; he stands alone, stiffly, wearing a weird double-breasted suit)
2. Greg (screws around reading hot rod magazines when he should be working; loses his Dad’s drawings)
3. Mike (freaks when Natalie Schafer’s guest-starring character wants a factory shaped like a powder puff regardless of how practical it is to build)
4. Cousin Oliver (jinxes the entire family after awkwardly turning up as a tired plot rejuvenator)
5. Davy Jones (clearly not sure why he’s there or what he’s expected to be doing; smiles broadly and plays along anyway wearing inexplicable striped pants)

1. Teenage Fanclub / Everything Flows (1990)
2. Pylon / Crazy (1986)
3. The Fall / Victoria (1988)
4. Drivin’ and Cryin’ / Scarred But Smarter (1987)
5. The Sugarcubes / Birthday (1988)

1. Japanese businessmen are considering a leveraged buyout of the Sunset District
2. Little Laotian man around the corner is secretly a rich, hostile pimp
3. Someone’s about to receive a giant, novelty-sized check from Ed McMahon
4. The 85-year-old man next door is about to get a Queer Eye makeover
5. I’m actually Bon Jovi

1. David Soul – Don’t Give up on Us, Baby
2. The Village People – Macho Man
3. John Travolta – Let Her In
4. Alan O’Day – Undercover Angel
5. Meco – Star Wars/Cantina Theme

1. Papa’s Li’l Cry for Help
2. Thar’s Gold in Them Thar Prostates
3. Your Mom’s Not Coming Home IV
4. Better’n a Hairweave, Matey
5. The Boss’s Obsequious Little Bitch

1. Faddish, i.e. punk hair-styles
2. Halter tops and/or bare midriff costumes
3. Public Display of Affection (PDA)
4. Shoving, skylarking, and other horseplay
5. Articles of clothing advertising alcohol, drugs or tobacco

1. Thompson Twins’ Into the Gap album cover (entire back)
2. Map of Bayonet Point, FL (face, shaved head)
3. Cartoon Calvin peeing joyfully on the staff of Pitchfork (upper
   left arm)
4. “TALK” & “ROCK” (knuckles of either hand)
5. Hash mark for each time I’ve seen Cheap Trick (back of neck; currently 5)

1. Chinese Throwing Star Night
2. Loaded .22 (with scope) Night
3. Guess Your Cholesterol and Get a Free Footlong Night
4. Leaky Bag of Urine Night
5. Nickel Absinthe Night

1. Professor Candypants (mime & contortionist)
2. MC Preclear ‘n’ the “Get Audizzited” Crew (evangelical rap crew)
3. Principal Badtouch (tapdancer & close magician)
4. Roofie McSleepytime (clown hypnotist)
5. Whitevan Andy & the Roadtrip Kidz (unspecified travel initiative)

1. Like I was just traded to another inmate for 2 packs of menthol cigarettes
2. Like I’ve been slapped repeatedly with a half-frozen sturgeon
3. Like I’ve accidentally just agreed to finish the homework of every kid in my middle school
4. Like somewhere in a big Sprint building, there’s a fat man with a monocle and a top hat smoking a cigar while dancing a jig and holding a fat bag of five-dollar bills with my bewildered face on it
5. Very, very unclean

1. Uncomfortable to see Fred McMurray and sons all playing Petula Clark’s “Downtown” on saxaphone (late in the run of My Three Sons)
2. Genuinely saddened when it appeared Fonzie would have to spend Christmas alone in the garage (early episode of Happy Days)
3. Pulling with all of my mental might for the buxom, wisecracking “Team ABC” (every Battle of the Network Stars)
4. Utter years-long frustration at my lack of vocabulary to ask why some TV shows looked “inside” or “shiny” [shot on video] while others were “outside” or “flat” [shot on film] (various)
5. Feeling an awkward but overwhelmingly powerful proto-sexual attraction to Emmy Jo (The New Zoo Revue, early 70s)

1. This Rodney Yee person is in much better physical condition than I am
2. Yoga is not, apparently, a competition; thus, you are discouraged from yelling “In your face!” at your partner/opponent
3. “Downward facing dog” makes me feel a little dirty
4. Lacking a points system, Yoga offers no particular bonus for finishing quickly or making pithy remarks
5. I remain suspicious of activities in which I cannot wear shoes or drink

1. All-day reggae festival (1988)
2. Chewing on a fistful of D batteries (1970)
3. Being in a Neil Simon play (1984)
4. Talking to Pete Rose (1976)
5. Lead singer in a execrably bad metal cover band (1985)

1. Goin’ Nowhere
2. Happy Right Here
3. Basement Belters
4. No Vistas
5. In One Place

1. USC – Had that marching band that played on Tusk (1979)
2. Florida State – Brochure featured prominent photo of adorable blonde girl dressed like an indian (1984)
3. Rollins – Heard classes were easy and underaged drinking was widely tolerated (1983)
4. University of Florida – Orange and blue were my favorite colors, plus alligators are cool (1980)
5. West Point – Everything seemed so tidy (1978)

1. A Scaled-Down Christmas: Going Through the Motions with Martha Stewart
2. The Town That Forgot to Ship Early
3. Kazuki Takahashi’s© Yu-Gi-Ohâ„¢ Cardtastical Action Holiday Tournament®
4. Rudolph’s Shiny New Prince Albert
5. E!’s “Background Noise for Drinking Alone” Marathon

1. To sing in perfect harmony (naturally)
2. To use their turn signals
3. To buy music and t-shirts from bands they like at live shows
4. To offer their seats on MUNI to old Chinese ladies
5. To give the whole “white hip-hop guy” thing a rest for a while

1. Fiber Optic Angel (with five-color oscillating ass-wings)
2. Celine Dion “Parfums”
3. Neon Guitar Wall Art
4. Electronic-Eye Santa (joylessly croaking “Ho, ho, ho” when it detects motion)
5. Advanced Formula Toe Fungus Cream

1. Tom Arnold
2. Tony Danza
3. Kirstie Alley
4. John Walsh
5. All prop comics (except Rip Taylor)

1. You’ve been wanting to buy much wider groceries (but have been stymied by the timid width of your Escalade)
2. You and your make-believe wife were thinking of having 11 or 12 imaginary kids
3. You’re sick of always being the environment’s goddamned bitch
4. You could totally put a keg back there and just drive around and shit
5. They were all out of penises

1. My crappy BSR turntable played everything a full step too fast (1984)
2. “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” is a dirty play on words (1987)
3. New Order was mostly a disco band who stood very still (1989)
4. “Expendable” apparently does not mean the same thing as “flexible” (1980)
5. “Seals & Croft” and “Sid and Marty Krofft” have nothing in particular to do with one other (1978)

1. Stop apologizing for drinking at work
2. Undertake some kind of faith-based initiative
3. Start carrying a yoga mat everywhere
4. Spearhead a trucker cap buy-back initiative
5. Begin more publicly referring to myself in the third-person as “Daddy.”

1. Clove cigarettes (1985)
2. Spiderman-like web shooters (1977)
3. Hash (1986)
4. Fonzie-like hairstyle (using Vaseline Petroleum Jelly) (1976)
5. Poems (1987)

1. My Banana Splits cereal bowl
2. My full set of mid-’60s Batman and Tarzan trading cards
3. My 7-inch of “Silly Love Songs” by Wings
4. My 1970 VW camper van
5. Easy access to Skyline Chili