- “Makes No Sense At All” / Hüsker Dü
- “You Got It” / Mudhoney
- “Brown Eyed Girl” / Van Morrison
- “Hot Rod Lincoln” / Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen
- “Ring of Fire” / Wall of Voodoo
- These Amps Ain’t Made of Candy Floss, ‘Guv
- Fuckin’ Olive Loaf Again
- Angus Drank (The Last Mountain Dew)
- (Almost Nothing) Rhymes with ‘Dynamite’
- These Knees Is Almost Fifty
- Tommy Shaw
- Andrew Ridgeley
- John Oates
- Ted McGinley
- The Captain (sans Tennille)
- Mousetrap
- Stay Alive
- Don’t Break the Ice
- Trouble
- Connect Four
- Checking the mail
- Skipping breakfast
- Apologizing
- Call screening
- Leaving early
- Thought I was a ninja (1982)
- Listened to the overture from Carmen every morning (1988)
- That weird Bible thing (1981)
- Dungeons & Dragons (1983)
- Hiding inside available furniture and fixtures (1972)
- kitchen sink sponge
- water filter
- baking soda in fridge
- toothbrush
- garage light bulb
- Pierce (Zits)
- Heathcliff
- Lt. Gizmo (Beetle Bailey)
- Garfield
- Dead Grandpa (Family Circus)
- Chiropractors
- Scientology
- Magic shows
- Pole dancing
- Mime
- lip gloss
- Jovan Musk
- garter belts
- Aerobicise® on Showtime
- any female who would talk to me
- Unsatisfied – The Replacements
- There’s a Light That Never Goes Out – The Smiths
- Ever Fallen in Love? – The Buzzcocks
- True Faith – New Order
- Couldn’t I Just Tell You? – Todd Rundgren
- Unattractive people are colorful and goodhearted
- Almost everyone in Tuscany is an aging character actor with a funny hat
- Italian men like watching women dance in fountains
- Tuscan birthing rooms have unscreened windows with extraordinary views
- The local police will give you rides on their little scooter bikes provided that you’re Diane Lane in a skirt
- The fanny pack
- The fake English accent
- The doo rag
- That black light illuminating the under-carriage of your ’81 Tercel
- The hair plugs
- Protection of Words Fewer than Three Syllables Act
- Bill to make the “High Five” the US’s official greeting
- National ‘Everybody Wears Jeans’ Day (March 14th)
- The “Pretty Girls Shouldn’t Act All Stuck Up” Amendment
- Presidential proclamation that “California Must Apologize to Jesus (and It Has to Sound Like They Really Mean It)”
- Eat big steaks
- Watch David Letterman
- Look at old photos
- Listen to Brian Eno (ambient period only, please)
- Talk about how my dead stepfather sucked
- Mandalit Del Barco
- Lakshmi Singh
- Snigdha Prakash
- Russ Ringsak
- Robin Gianattassio-Malle
- She has had a very long day and does not need a whole lot of lip from anybody
- Her daughter is facing a completely unfair suspension from her junior high
- She can very easily take her business somewhere else right this minute
- This is the third time she’s had to come in this week about this and she really can’t talk about it any more
- She does not appreciate being treated like this, thank you very much
- “Participate in Operation Prayer Shield” (bumper sticker on a minivan at Publix)
- “God made Adam and Eve–not Adam and Steve” (church billboard near Grandma’s house)
- “Welcome to America: Now Speak English!” (bumper sticker on a pickup at the Texaco)
- “NO FITTING ROOMS: In an effort to keep the cost low, we do not provide fitting rooms.” (WalMart Supercenter, men’s room door)
- “Please stand at least ten feet away from this door because sometimes it opens unexpectedly and you might get hurt” (Mom’s hip doctor’s office’s waiting room)
- Jimmy Carter invented the “Pop ‘n Lock” breakdancing move when he was in the navy
- Warren G. Harding once stabbed a hobo on a dare
- Thomas Jefferson traded Dolly Madison three mules and a quill pen for an erotically charged lapdance
- Calvin Coolidge never finished his dessert
- James K. Polk liked it rough
- “Bumfights” video
- Genital warts
- Monster Manual
- Deal-a-Meal™
- Restraining order
- Bobby Joe “King” Crimson
- “Meshuggah” Hyram Rafelson
- “Syphilitc” Robbie
- Blind “Blindie” McBlindieblind
- Cantankerous Wilbur (no. 2)
- Toothbrushes
- Athletic shoes
- Ordering coffee
- Getting out of jury duty
- Young men’s haircuts
- Locker key (1981)
- Video game tokens/Quarters (1983)
- Jim Dunlop 1mm guitar pick (1988)
- Ephedrine (1991)
- Imodium (2001)
- crunk
- nizzle
- Linux
- gi-normous
- craptacular
- Professor Buggery, Ph.D. Can your child’s teachers pass
our Pederasty Popquiz?
- That’s Not Chocolate! How would you know if there were
poo-poo in your family’s candy dish?
- Rats, Cats, & Big, Curly Pubic Hairs The filthy truth inside your favorite
“Four Star” restaurants
- public_humiliation@yourcomputer.com What career-ending
secrets are lurking on your family’s hard drive? Is The Government cataloging them
right now?
- "My Baby’s on Fire!" Find out if your child is
one of the hundreds at risk for Spontaneous Toddler Combustion
- Mommy’s Atrocious Rash-Inducer
- Old Spinydrawers
- Rod Serling
- Short Circuit II
- Mr. Limpy
- The kitty photos (especially that fourth set)
- That one post where you were really drunk in Devan’s room
- The time you ate that amazing pot pie but then got totally sick
- Your series of charcoal drawings of Jonathan Frakes as a sword-wielding furry
- That post where you promised to update more often
- climbing the rope
- towel snapping
- chinups
- square-dancing week
- surreptitious penis comparisons
- Queen – “We Will Rock You,” b/w “We are the Champions”
- Chic – “Le Freak”
- Wings – “Listen to What the Man Said”
- Bee Gees – “Too Much Heaven”
- Blondie – “Heart of Glass”
- Preference for a given Olsen sister
- Brand of water cracker
- System for opening the mail
- Favorite magazine about NASCAR
- Best way to order at the taqueria