Five things I’d rather not talk about

  1. Your surgery
  2. Softball
  3. The electoral college
  4. Fear Factor
  5. Your son Tyler’s soccer coach
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Five modes of transportation that will help ensure you never, ever get laid

  1. Roller Blades
  2. Unicycle
  3. Segway
  4. Recumbent bike
  5. Imaginary horse
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Five unfortunate nicknames for my elementary school teachers

  1. Mrs. Hugeman (Mrs. Huesman)
  2. Mrs. Hottentot (Mrs. Hottenstein)
  3. Mr. Spankavitch (Mr. Nankovich)
  4. Ms. Gobble (Ms. Auble)
  5. Ms. Fill-a-fart (Ms. Phillapart)
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Five terrible fake names for your secret treehouse club

  1. The Sausage Factory
  2. Stolenporntorium
  3. The Ewok Posse
  4. Marlboro Heights
  5. Thee Arboreal Dream Hatcherie
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Five favorite Jimmy Webb songs (and preferred version of each)

  1. Wichita Lineman (Glen Campbell)
  2. Rosecrans Boulevard (Zumpano)
  3. MacArthur Park (The Negro Problem)
  4. Galveston (Glen Campbell)
  5. Orange Air (Zumpano)
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Five terrible alternative names for the band “The Decemberists”

  1. The Counts of Enjambementy Cristo
  2. The Pirate Folk Family Players
  3. The Whirled Accordion to Garp
  4. Thesaurus Wrecks
  5. Avast Ye Thar, English Majors!
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Five epic childhood injuries (and how I got each)

  1. 7-inch cut on outside left leg (jumping ramp on a dare, 1976)
  2. big bloody hole in center of head (slammed into corner of bathroom sink, 1973)
  3. teeny tiny cut above left upper lip (accidental glancing fingernail for which my Mother still can’t forgive herself, 1967)
  4. double hernia operation (1968)
  5. 2nd degree sunburn (Adventure Island, 1980)
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Five things I promised Jeni Babcock we’d eat for dinner on our eventual first date (1975)

  1. Steak
  2. French Fries
  3. Coke or Sprite
  4. Salad with French Dressing and croutons
  5. Dessert (probably the pudding of her choice)
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Five terrible fake names for your new streetgang

  1. The North Side Wussies
  2. Da Lovas o’ Henry James
  3. Self-Abusin’ Joey & the Shameful Seven
  4. The Slight n’ Pale Grammarian Crewe
  5. The Rollin’, Representin’ Christian Apologists
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Five children I totally envied (1978)

  1. Jimmy Osmond
  2. Richie Rich
  3. Adam Rich
  4. Jody Patterson-Davis
  5. That little Japanese kid with the 200 IQ
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Five terrible fake names for feminine hygiene products

  1. September Morn’
  2. Dressy Drawers
  3. Horseback Sally’s All-Natural Disposable Swim Appliance
  4. Too Fresh by a Half
  5. Heather Menses
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Five terrific Left Banke songs (that aren’t “Walk Away, Renee”)

  1. She May Call You Up Tonight
  2. Desiree
  3. Pretty Ballerina
  4. Let Go of You Girl
  5. I’ve Got Something On My Mind
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Five most popular dishes to bring to Wednesday night church potluck (Cincinnati, OH; 1976)

  1. Kraft macaroni & cheese
  2. green bean casserole
  3. deviled eggs
  4. franks & beans
  5. congealed salads (various)
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Five good sidekicks

  1. Barney Rubble
  2. Trapper John
  3. Danno
  4. Ralph Malph
  5. Wojo
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Five cultural pronouncements from Chairman Merlin

  1. Godspeed You! Black Emperor is basically Classical music for indie rock kids
  2. Shoes and costly skincare products are the new food
  3. Dark lipliner is the female version of a bad toupee
  4. Hüsker Dü and The Shins listened to the same mid-60s pop—but arrived at completely different conclusions
  5. Shame is the new black
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Five things I’d like to see become inexplicably cool amongst urban hipsters

  1. Combovers
  2. Clarinets
  3. Enormous eyeglasses made out of turquoise
  4. Baseball cleats
  5. Pig latin
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Five cultural phenomena that completely passed me by

  1. Video games
  2. “hella”
  3. Reality TV
  4. That whole low-slung pants thing
  5. Adult cartoons about ironic, crime-solving food
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Five things that must be stopped immediately

  1. Pennies
  2. Waiters introducing themselves then stooping at the table
  3. Cars that honk when they’re locked or unlocked
  4. Use of the word “obvs”
  5. The Rolling Stones
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Five books I didn’t understand nearly as well as I thought at the time

  1. Hofstadter / Gödel, Escher, Bach
  2. Kierkegaard / Fear & Trembling
  3. Kant / The Critique of Pure Reason
  4. Baker / Modern Physics and Anti-Physics
  5. Paul / Romans
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Five songs I learned on guitar (1983)

  1. Iron Man
  2. Smoke on the Water
  3. Twist and Shout
  4. I Ran
  5. Pictures of Matchstick Men
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Five artists who probably should have been discouraged from dancing in their music videos

  1. Eddie Money
  2. Billy Squier
  3. Belinda Carlisle
  4. Ric Ocascek
  5. Michael Stipe
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Five songs that continue to haunt me

  1. “Year of the Cat” – Al Stewart
  2. “Lonely Boy” – Andrew Gold
  3. “Driver’s Seat” – Sniff n’ the Tears
  4. “Sad Eyes” – Robert John
  5. “Magnet & Steel” – Walter Egan
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Five terrible fake names for James Bond women

  1. Cunnalingua Fränka
  2. Bosomy Flava
  3. Badonka Donk
  4. Felacia Von Succulent
  5. Uterus Jones
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Five favorite moments on a given commercial airline flight

  1. When the guy in the Delta pre-flight video blows lovingly into his inflatable vest
  2. When the tiny Maker’s Mark arrives
  3. When the portly guy in the next row who’s been “flying this route for thirty years” finally falls asleep
  4. When the second tiny Maker’s Mark arrives
  5. When the Drew Barrymore movie ends
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Five excuses to get you out of work today

  1. You ate almost a quart of bad paella and have violent squirts
  2. You accidentally fell on a set of bicycle handlebars in the shower and will need a day to get them dislodged
  3. New Roman Catholic holiday: “The Festival of St. Malingerer”
  4. Your beloved burro, Henrietta, has died from the cancer
  5. You’re drunk on Jesus and don’t care who knows it
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Five terrrible fake names for kung fu fighting styles

  1. The Dyspeptic Bridgekeeper
  2. The Whimsical Producer
  3. The Jonesing Junky
  4. The Elliptical Trainer
  5. The Dismissive Operator
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Five folksy, context-free catch phrases you are encouraged to spread with friends and co-workers

  1. Brown dog got ass hairs, too
  2. You can’t cash an excuse
  3. Mama don’t like no Fritos in a bowl
  4. Now that’s a big monkey!
  5. Shittin’ on a dollar don’t make it a candy cane
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Five people I’d like to see play Jesus in a hastily-devised network TV miniseries

  1. Gallagher
  2. Michael Madsen
  3. Mason Reese
  4. Mark E. Smith
  5. William “The Refrigerator” Perry
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Five great things about southern Ohio

  1. You get a basement
  2. Everyone’s always apologizing
  3. King’s Island
  4. Great climbing trees
  5. It’s not Kentucky or Indiana
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Five people who never got the chance to opine at length about Gmail

  1. Edward Gibbon
  2. E.B. White
  3. Antonio Gramsci
  4. Walter Pater
  5. Theodor Adorno
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