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- Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself
- Five things we should clear up
- Five extremely minor characters
- Five terrible fake X-Men franchises
- Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment
- Five names that sound like they have too many syllables
- Five superpowers I promise would use only for good
- Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents
- Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes
- Five reasons 5ives was down for two years
- Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens
- Five controversial ontologies
- Five cutting-edge greeting cards
- Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo
- Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII
- Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California
- Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now
- Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker
- Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books
- Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use
- Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me
- Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels
- Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants
- Five records I wish I could have sung backup on
- Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing
- Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday
- Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles
- Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report
- Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record
- Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product
- Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere
- Five “Web 2.0” ways to break up with your boyfriend
- Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines
- Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard
- Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you
- Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!
- Five names you can belch
- Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
- Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog
- Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals
- Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto
- Five terrible fake names for villages in England
- Five historical blog posts
- Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts
- Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court
- Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)
- Five things I still don’t really understand
- Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me
- Five rejected Spice Girl personalities
- Five phrases I often find disorienting
- Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)
- Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception
- Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally
- Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself
- Five things you might do with “all that ass”
- Five things of which I will never tire
- Five douchebag power tools
- Five terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for
- Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation
- Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”
- Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s
- Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself
- Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit
- Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open
- Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”
- Five early 80s albums that are better than you probably remember
- Five songs I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
- Five recent makebelieve Canadian girlfriends
- Five favorite Hee Haw performers
- Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself
- Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article
- Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions
- Five nicknames I would find unbearable
- Five favorite words I learned last year
- Five albums I was listening to when I moved to San Francisco (seven years ago today)
- Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants
- Five Halloween safety tips
- Five owners of ambitious combovers
- Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS
- Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing
- Five possible signs your congressman thinks your teenaged son is hot
- Five things you did while MySpace was down
- Five groups, apart from “women and children,” who should get to leave a sinking ship first
- Five persons who will eventually appear in every rock documentary
- Five excellent Iron Maiden songs (and what each is ostensibly about)
- Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates
- Five people who are much more enjoyable if you imagine them as pro wrestlers
- Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave
- Five TV shows I’ll bet you don’t remember
- Five injustices you bravely suffer
- Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
- Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read
- Five terrible fake scripts from a notional fourth season of Gilligan’s Island
- Five amazing high-hat parts
- Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do
- Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses
- Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events
- Five terrible fake David Blaine endurance stunts
- Five phrases I wish I had occasion to use more often
- Five things you probably don’t need to be carrying all the time
- Five things I wish I could get more into
- Five suggested Flickr tags
- Five periodicals I loved in the 90s
- Five amazing Beatles bridges
- Five ubiquitous anatomical embellishments from which I could use a break
- Five terrible fake Morrissey songs
- Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”
- Five places where the burnouts would hang out and smoke in junior high
- Five things that make me smile
- Five songs I sometimes listen to on repeat for 20 minutes
- Five composers I’m glad never had to hear their work performed primarily as ear-screeching ringtones
- Five things I currently have no intention of doing
- Five things that aren’t particularly helping my nascent dharma practice
- Five songs I’ve completely obsessed over
- Five terrible fake “Morning Zoo” teams
- Five candidates Madeline has repeatedly vetoed to be “our song”
- Five things I had to keep explaining to the guy at REI
- Five places I’ve had my hair cut
- Five good things to absorb while you’re still young
- Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
- Five decidedly un-super supergroups
- Five things you can bring along to help make the party all about you
- Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together
- Five more excellent public radio names
- Five works I adore by artists I otherwise don’t care for
- Five people I’m told I impersonate badly
- Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
- Five notional movies that might not have gone over as well with fundamentalists
- Five ways to get on the del.icio.us home page
- Five terrible fake entrees from the dotcom era
- Five ways your histrionic anti-abortion friend might refer to a fetus
- Five people of whom I confess to being a bit weary
- Five things (besides a television) that you could constantly remind people you won’t use
- Five rules of thumb
- Five more things Pat Robertson needs you to pray on
- Five They Might Be Giants songs I often find myself singing
- Five thoughts on who “they” might be
- Five favorite guitar chords
- Five rules from the NPR drinking game
- Five bands I’m sorry I never got to see live
- Five terrible fake non-fiction bestsellers
- Five favorite new wave drummers
- Five terrible fake secrets about Seals & Crofts
- Five things I have read repeatedly in the bathroom
- Five beverages I haven’t drunk very often since college
- Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five user icons
Here’s All of the 5ives
Category Archives: five things
Five most punchable characters in Pretty in Pink
- Ducky
- Blaine
- Steff
- Andie
- everyone else who isn’t Harry Dean Stanton
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Five things the yuppie on the Harley doesn’t want you to know
- If it weren’t for his wife’s IPO, he’d still be kickin’ it in the Caravan
- It took him 2-1/2 years to grow that lame goatee
- All the women at work call him “Fonzie” and laugh
- Each week, there’s a good deal less hair under that cool “brain bucket”
- He’s just terrified of dying
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Five mid-life career changes I’d consider
- Royal Watcher
- Futurist
- Sports Legend
- Maître d’
- Old-World Craftsman
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Five places I was turned down for dates
- Skyway to Fantasyland; Walt Disney World
- 2nd period English; Ridgewood Jr. High
- Congress Skating Rink; Port Richey, Fla.
- 15-minute walk-run; Ridgewood Jr. High
- Red Baron Arcade; Northgate Mall
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Five terrible fake items from the Sky Mall catalog
- monogrammed dog saddle
- golf-club-shaped satellite phone
- extra large all-weather sitting pants
- nesting dolls of extended Bush family
- solar-powered scrotum humidifier
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Five things for which it’s probably okay not to have a strong brand preference
- bail bondsman
- home syphilis test
- nunchucks
- lice comb
- bottled water
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Five ineffective responses to bullies
- Be assured that my imaginary friend, Prof. Pickles, will be hearing about this.
- I trust you’re prepared to pay any medical deductible?
- I have every confidence I’ll heal in time for band camp.
- No. Actually, I pee myself when I’m feeling really confident.
- Might my plaintive weeping soften your heart?
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Five non-standard spellings of “weblog” (and where I’d like to see each used)
- Mr. Log (The New York Times)
- OMG lol teh bl0g!!!1!1! (LiveJournal)
- weëblog (The New Yorker)
- we belong (Pat Benatar)
- free, uncredited leads (The Drudge Report)
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Five terrible fake novelty drink names at that one bar near campus
- Weepin’ Tyler’s Tangy Grandma Rememberer
- The Great American Face Slap Factory
- The Homoerotic Context Erasinator (with salty rim)
- Cap’n Morgan’s Highe Seas Roofie Hyderr
- Daddy’s Dreams Desolvin’ Appletini
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Five things for which I sheepishly confess my dopey affection
- Songs about “Rock ‘n’ Roll”
- Shriners in those stupid little cars
- genuinely amazed infants
- the scene in Casablanca where Lazlo makes everyone stand and sing “La Marseillaise”
- The Bill of Rights
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Five terrible fake congressional honorifics
- The distinguished cocksmoker from that hellhole, Mississippi
- The obsequious bootlicker from Virginia
- The exalted pederast from Kentucky
- The noisome harpy from California
- The fat-assed blowhard from that one flyover state
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Five people with whom to never start a conversation on MUNI
- Needy-looking guy in kilt
- Fat man with enormous parrot on his shoulder
- Chinese lady quietly trimming her toenails
- Stinky guy talking animatedly to fat guy’s parrot
- Smirky guy taking numerous phonecam pictures of stinky guy, fat guy, and parrot
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Five terrible fake albums by a girly-voiced singer/songwriter
- Stop Touching My Cat
- These Braids Have Cried
- Vegan Glances
- Birkenstock Exchange
- Am I Not Your Flower?
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Five actors I prefer not to visualize having intercourse
- Broderick Crawford
- Rondo Hatton
- Richard Dawson
- Paul Lynde
- Curly Joe DeRita
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Five terrible fake names for a scratch-off lottery ticket series
- Itchy Hope Circles
- Dollar Dousers
- Power Poverty ‘05!
- Check Chaserz
- Salary Squeezin’
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Five things you don’t want to hear from someone emerging from a bathroom after 35 minutes
- Do you have a snake and maybe a bunch of old towels?
- Man. Should’ve checked that one for a heartbeat.
- I used up all your matches.
- You guys insured?
- Wooo! The bitch is back!
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Five congressional terms that sound kind of dirty
- Minority Whip
- discretionary appropriations
- filibustering
- discharge petition
- franking privileges
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Five things I suspect I’m not supposed to think about when watching those bands with messy hair who sound like Joy Division
- Wow. That’s a really expensive amp.
- That bass player has nice skin for someone who’s so unhappy.
- I wonder if they all have really cool apartments.
- Would it kill them to get a tambourine?
- Man. These guys sound a lot like Joy Division.
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Five total scams in high school
- class rings
- cap and gown fees
- Who’s Who Among American High School Students
- prom
- assemblies featuring christian rock bands
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Five terrible fake LiveJournal memes
- If you had to go through my trash and pick one discarded item to represent how you felt about my butt, what would it be?
- If I were a piece of food caught in your teeth, would you pick me out? What kind of food would I be? Would I be delicious even after I’d been trapped between your molars since lunch?
- If the two of us were naked in a phone booth and we both had to fart really bad, how would we bring it up? Who would fart first, and would it smell like flowers?
- If I were a tumor, where would I be on your body? How long would it be before I metastasized to your liver?
- Please post the compliment you think I would most enjoy hearing about myself. Now, do this every morning.
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Five items on which a sticker of Calvin has not, to my knowledge, peed
- The Magna Carta
- Elvis’ “‘68 Comeback” Special
- Eddie Van Halen
- St. Anselm’s Ontological Argument
- Denny’s™ Grand Slam® Breakfast
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Five terrible fake positions not actually held by Michael Crichton
- Fallen arches, while not precisely a medical myth, are largely a creation of ignorant liberal activists (and their spotty data).
- Elves are behind most headaches and nearly all cellphone dead zones.
- Seat belts cause many more auto fatalities than they prevent.
- Mint flavor is actually not refreshing at all.
- If you can successfully remove the label from your Michelob bottle—all in one piece—you’ll totally get laid tonight.
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Five inevitabilities I find exhausting
- Obsequious chain restaurant waitrons
- Any mention of King Tut requires playing the jokey Steve Martin song
- The unapologetic shittiness of airport food
- “Myanmar,” we must be reminded, was once known as “Burma”
- Someone in earshot will say “hella” repeatedly today (and I will cringe reflexively)
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Five things I fear I might do if I were a ten-foot-tall monster with metal claws, laser beam eyes, and razor-sharp fangs
- Undertake bloody rampage on the set of The View
- Disembowel line-cutters at Walgreens
- Devour double-parkers on Taraval Street (and, ironically, the Chinese takeout that doomed them to their fate)
- Poke gentle, good-natured fun at less powerful monsters when we meet at social events
- Keep library books well past their due date
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Five stories the mainstream media missed last year
- My DSL seems to be slowing down pretty bad
- Peaches just aren’t as good as they used to be
- That one cashier at the Safeway is kind of a dick
- People should wear hats more
- Coffee is still just so great
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Five terrible fake Anne Geddes photo shoots
- Infant slumbers in the sling of a powerful trebuchet
- Three napping newborns, juggled by slightly larger fourth baby
- Pile of sleeping babies, dressed as pirates, provide ballast for leaky catamaran
- Preemie in miniature bifocals used as precious paperweight
- Month-old twins nestle in a slowly warming crock pot
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Five more slightly misleading revelations of federally-funded abstinence programs
- Liberal senators want to award slutty girls free sub for 6th abortion
- Wearing green on Thursday makes you so totally gay
- Douche with Dr. Pepper and your baby will have luxurious brown hair
- When you masturbate on a Sunday, Jesus punches Keith Moon in the mouth
- Latex condoms make your kooch smell like a pork rind: forever!
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Five people it’d probably be fun to go swimsuit shopping with
- Robyn Hitchcock
- Ralph Steadman
- Salvador Dalí
- Richard Carpenter
- Francis Bacon
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Five descriptions that arose while boot shopping with Madeline on Monday
- Too Bon Jovi
- Too Adam Ant
- Not Avengers enough
- Too Dale Evans
- Oddly Amadeus
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Five songs I’d love to hear performed by a competent junior high marching band
- Carparts – The Long Winters
- Everyone Choose Sides – The Wrens
- In the Street – Big Star
- The Slow Descent into Alcoholism – New Pornographers
- I Felt Like a Gringo – Minutemen
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