Category Archives: five things

Five most punchable characters in Pretty in Pink

  1. Ducky
  2. Blaine
  3. Steff
  4. Andie
  5. everyone else who isn’t Harry Dean Stanton

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Five things the yuppie on the Harley doesn’t want you to know

  1. If it weren’t for his wife’s IPO, he’d still be kickin’ it in the Caravan
  2. It took him 2-1/2 years to grow that lame goatee
  3. All the women at work call him “Fonzie” and laugh
  4. Each week, there’s a good deal less hair under that cool “brain bucket”
  5. He’s just terrified of dying

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Five mid-life career changes I’d consider

  1. Royal Watcher
  2. Futurist
  3. Sports Legend
  4. Maître d’
  5. Old-World Craftsman

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Five places I was turned down for dates

  1. Skyway to Fantasyland; Walt Disney World
  2. 2nd period English; Ridgewood Jr. High
  3. Congress Skating Rink; Port Richey, Fla.
  4. 15-minute walk-run; Ridgewood Jr. High
  5. Red Baron Arcade; Northgate Mall

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Five terrible fake items from the Sky Mall catalog

  1. monogrammed dog saddle
  2. golf-club-shaped satellite phone
  3. extra large all-weather sitting pants
  4. nesting dolls of extended Bush family
  5. solar-powered scrotum humidifier

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Five things for which it’s probably okay not to have a strong brand preference

  1. bail bondsman
  2. home syphilis test
  3. nunchucks
  4. lice comb
  5. bottled water

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Five ineffective responses to bullies

  1. Be assured that my imaginary friend, Prof. Pickles, will be hearing about this.
  2. I trust you’re prepared to pay any medical deductible?
  3. I have every confidence I’ll heal in time for band camp.
  4. No. Actually, I pee myself when I’m feeling really confident.
  5. Might my plaintive weeping soften your heart?

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Five non-standard spellings of “weblog” (and where I’d like to see each used)

  1. Mr. Log (The New York Times)
  2. OMG lol teh bl0g!!!1!1! (LiveJournal)
  3. weëblog (The New Yorker)
  4. we belong (Pat Benatar)
  5. free, uncredited leads (The Drudge Report)

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Five terrible fake novelty drink names at that one bar near campus

  1. Weepin’ Tyler’s Tangy Grandma Rememberer
  2. The Great American Face Slap Factory
  3. The Homoerotic Context Erasinator (with salty rim)
  4. Cap’n Morgan’s Highe Seas Roofie Hyderr
  5. Daddy’s Dreams Desolvin’ Appletini

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Five things for which I sheepishly confess my dopey affection

  1. Songs about “Rock ‘n’ Roll”
  2. Shriners in those stupid little cars
  3. genuinely amazed infants
  4. the scene in Casablanca where Lazlo makes everyone stand and sing “La Marseillaise”
  5. The Bill of Rights

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Five terrible fake congressional honorifics

  1. The distinguished cocksmoker from that hellhole, Mississippi
  2. The obsequious bootlicker from Virginia
  3. The exalted pederast from Kentucky
  4. The noisome harpy from California
  5. The fat-assed blowhard from that one flyover state

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Five people with whom to never start a conversation on MUNI

  1. Needy-looking guy in kilt
  2. Fat man with enormous parrot on his shoulder
  3. Chinese lady quietly trimming her toenails
  4. Stinky guy talking animatedly to fat guy’s parrot
  5. Smirky guy taking numerous phonecam pictures of stinky guy, fat guy, and parrot

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Five terrible fake albums by a girly-voiced singer/songwriter

  1. Stop Touching My Cat
  2. These Braids Have Cried
  3. Vegan Glances
  4. Birkenstock Exchange
  5. Am I Not Your Flower?

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Five actors I prefer not to visualize having intercourse

  1. Broderick Crawford
  2. Rondo Hatton
  3. Richard Dawson
  4. Paul Lynde
  5. Curly Joe DeRita

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Five terrible fake names for a scratch-off lottery ticket series

  1. Itchy Hope Circles
  2. Dollar Dousers
  3. Power Poverty ‘05!
  4. Check Chaserz
  5. Salary Squeezin’

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Five things you don’t want to hear from someone emerging from a bathroom after 35 minutes

  1. Do you have a snake and maybe a bunch of old towels?
  2. Man. Should’ve checked that one for a heartbeat.
  3. I used up all your matches.
  4. You guys insured?
  5. Wooo! The bitch is back!

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Five congressional terms that sound kind of dirty

  1. Minority Whip
  2. discretionary appropriations
  3. filibustering
  4. discharge petition
  5. franking privileges

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Five things I suspect I’m not supposed to think about when watching those bands with messy hair who sound like Joy Division

  1. Wow. That’s a really expensive amp.
  2. That bass player has nice skin for someone who’s so unhappy.
  3. I wonder if they all have really cool apartments.
  4. Would it kill them to get a tambourine?
  5. Man. These guys sound a lot like Joy Division.

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Five total scams in high school

  1. class rings
  2. cap and gown fees
  3. Who’s Who Among American High School Students
  4. prom
  5. assemblies featuring christian rock bands

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Five terrible fake LiveJournal memes

  1. If you had to go through my trash and pick one discarded item to represent how you felt about my butt, what would it be?
  2. If I were a piece of food caught in your teeth, would you pick me out? What kind of food would I be? Would I be delicious even after I’d been trapped between your molars since lunch?
  3. If the two of us were naked in a phone booth and we both had to fart really bad, how would we bring it up? Who would fart first, and would it smell like flowers?
  4. If I were a tumor, where would I be on your body? How long would it be before I metastasized to your liver?
  5. Please post the compliment you think I would most enjoy hearing about myself. Now, do this every morning.

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Five items on which a sticker of Calvin has not, to my knowledge, peed

  1. The Magna Carta
  2. Elvis’ “‘68 Comeback” Special
  3. Eddie Van Halen
  4. St. Anselm’s Ontological Argument
  5. Denny’s™ Grand Slam® Breakfast

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Five terrible fake positions not actually held by Michael Crichton

  1. Fallen arches, while not precisely a medical myth, are largely a creation of ignorant liberal activists (and their spotty data).
  2. Elves are behind most headaches and nearly all cellphone dead zones.
  3. Seat belts cause many more auto fatalities than they prevent.
  4. Mint flavor is actually not refreshing at all.
  5. If you can successfully remove the label from your Michelob bottle—all in one piece—you’ll totally get laid tonight.

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Five inevitabilities I find exhausting

  1. Obsequious chain restaurant waitrons
  2. Any mention of King Tut requires playing the jokey Steve Martin song
  3. The unapologetic shittiness of airport food
  4. “Myanmar,” we must be reminded, was once known as “Burma”
  5. Someone in earshot will say “hella” repeatedly today (and I will cringe reflexively)

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Five things I fear I might do if I were a ten-foot-tall monster with metal claws, laser beam eyes, and razor-sharp fangs

  1. Undertake bloody rampage on the set of The View
  2. Disembowel line-cutters at Walgreens
  3. Devour double-parkers on Taraval Street (and, ironically, the Chinese takeout that doomed them to their fate)
  4. Poke gentle, good-natured fun at less powerful monsters when we meet at social events
  5. Keep library books well past their due date

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Five stories the mainstream media missed last year

  1. My DSL seems to be slowing down pretty bad
  2. Peaches just aren’t as good as they used to be
  3. That one cashier at the Safeway is kind of a dick
  4. People should wear hats more
  5. Coffee is still just so great

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Five terrible fake Anne Geddes photo shoots

  1. Infant slumbers in the sling of a powerful trebuchet
  2. Three napping newborns, juggled by slightly larger fourth baby
  3. Pile of sleeping babies, dressed as pirates, provide ballast for leaky catamaran
  4. Preemie in miniature bifocals used as precious paperweight
  5. Month-old twins nestle in a slowly warming crock pot

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Five more slightly misleading revelations of federally-funded abstinence programs

  1. Liberal senators want to award slutty girls free sub for 6th abortion
  2. Wearing green on Thursday makes you so totally gay
  3. Douche with Dr. Pepper and your baby will have luxurious brown hair
  4. When you masturbate on a Sunday, Jesus punches Keith Moon in the mouth
  5. Latex condoms make your kooch smell like a pork rind: forever!

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Five people it’d probably be fun to go swimsuit shopping with

  1. Robyn Hitchcock
  2. Ralph Steadman
  3. Salvador Dalí
  4. Richard Carpenter
  5. Francis Bacon

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Five descriptions that arose while boot shopping with Madeline on Monday

  1. Too Bon Jovi
  2. Too Adam Ant
  3. Not Avengers enough
  4. Too Dale Evans
  5. Oddly Amadeus

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Five songs I’d love to hear performed by a competent junior high marching band

  1. Carparts – The Long Winters
  2. Everyone Choose Sides – The Wrens
  3. In the Street – Big Star
  4. The Slow Descent into Alcoholism – New Pornographers
  5. I Felt Like a Gringo – Minutemen

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