Category Archives: five things

1. Simon Wiesenthal
2. Abraham
3. Jon Stewart
4. Sol Star
5. Ira Kaplan

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1. Henrietta Troubleknickers
2. Jackson Splotch
3. Prof. Wiggenstodgy
4. Pennyfarthing Mushroomwater
5. Felch Cracksbottom

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1. six Rick Wakeman CDs does not qualify as a “party shuffle”
2. half-hour monologue on the difference between <abbr> and <acronym>
3. quarter-inch nacho cheese skin
4. impromptu one-man performance of “The Knights Who Say ‘Ni!’”
5. sole female guest left at 8:10

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1. monkey
2. robot
3. pants
4. sandwich
5. bulbous

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1. He used to be into Emo, but now he thinks it’s “kind of gay”
2. He’s thinking of getting a job next summer
3. He totally blew the math quiz on Friday
4. He’s frenched three times now (and one time got a little tit)
5. He’s using a Bob Marley icon some dude made

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1. Diabetes-Related Supplies/Equipment
2. Eyelash Curlers
3. Toy Transformer Robots
4. Eyeglass Repair Tools
5. Toy Weapons (if not realistic replicas)

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1. Jackin’ Jill’s
2. Please Release Me
3. 54U
4. Handjobwerks
5. Messy Manor

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1. If you knew to an absolute moral certainty that you could capture and consume a live infant without being caught, how many do you suppose you could eat in a weekend?
2. Have you ever been spanked erotically by someone who was not your current legal spouse? Just yes or no, please.
3. Nominee, do you regard these slacks as accentuating my basket in an un-senatorial fashion?
4. Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about…your mother.
5. Kindly rise, and sing the 1979 hit, The Piña Colada Song, also known as Escape.

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1. Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show
2. two (and only two) kinds of Coke
3. use of sentence case by college-educated adults
4. Burger Chef Fun Meals
5. Bill Clinton

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1. O’Connor O’Connor’s
2. The Chunky Emerald Yawn
3. Tipsy McShamrock’s
4. Casey O’Familywrecker’s
5. Punchin’ Pete’s Place

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1. Ignatius J. Reilly
2. Louis Armstrong
3. David Ferrie
4. Alex Chilton
5. Stanley Kowalski

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1. claims moral right to tour kitchen, personally choosing objectively best pot pie available
2. even in large parties, always demands own itemized check
3. loudly proclaims that you could have had that last yeast roll if you weren’t so damned weak
4. only tips 3% (except for what she terms “heroic” service)
5. always farting and blaming it on “irrational” woman at next table

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1. Warren G. Harding/Albert Fall
2. Fred Flintstone/The Great Gazoo
3. Catherine the Great/Mr. Ed
4. Mr. Roper/Mr. Furley
5. Bono/Bono

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1. Coalinga
2. Butte Valley
3. Chilcoot
4. Fawnskin
5. La Conchita

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1. James at 42
2. Joanie Swears Out a Restraining Order on Chachi
3. Saved by the Bell: The Middle-Management Years
4. Holmes and Yo-Yo Babies
5. Charlie’s Caregivers

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1. The Chili Dog
2. The Zoroaster
3. The Menarche
4. The Eastern Front
5. The McNamara

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1. Wynette
2. Maybelle
3. Monroe
4. Louvin
5. Twitty

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1. Farrah Fawcett-Majors (1976)
2. Jill Whelan (1979)
3. Martha Quinn (1982)
4. Markie Post (1985)
5. Lauren Graham (2003)

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1. overnight guests must now provide own sheets and towels
2. giraffes and chimps begin hawking Grit door-to-door
3. Continental Breakfast downgraded to a can of Hawaiian Punch and some cab fare
4. Ferris Wheel and railroad to close early on federal holidays
5. “Jesus Juice” now prepared with less costly well-brand vodka

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1. Sesame Street abruptly changes name to The Big Bird Factor
2. Jim Lehrer asked to roll his eyes dramatically whenever he mentions Democrats, women, or “the black”
3. vintage Julia Child episodes re-edited to obscure left wings of all fowl
4. Arthur and Barney pulled aside, told flatly to “butch it up”
5. Frontline goes on hiatus; replaced by ”Let’s Shoot Crossbows!” with Ted Nugent

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1. The Good in Everyone – Sloan
2. Both Sides Now – Jason Falkner
3. All God’s Children – The Finn Brothers
4. You’re My Favorite Waste of Time – Marshall Crenshaw
5. No Matter What – Badfinger

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1. Roland Barthes’ S/Z
2. The Reagan Administration: What the eff?
3. Green marks a continuing decline for R.E.M.
4. goth kid in next room keeps playing that damned Ministry 12″
5. cafeteria’s policy on soda refills = Florida’s modern Apartheid

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1. change first name to “Porsche Rose”
2. stalk Prince
3. smoke the world’s fattest joint—right in front of the Dean of Boys
4. get tattoo of the cover of Iron Maiden’s Number of the Beast across entire back
5. just chill out and shit

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1. toilet handle
2. victim’s bed
3. steering wheel
4. night gown
5. assailant’s penis

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1. Craig Finn (The Hold Steady)
2. Mark E. Smith (The Fall)
3. Damaged-era Henry Rollins (Black Flag)
4. Lou Reed (The Velvet Underground)
5. Rex Harrison

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1. Computer hackers can now steal anyone’s underpants using their own PC
2. “Starving” people in Africa spend most of their aid money on big-screen TVs, pole-dances, and perfectly good food that they just throw away
3. There is actually no “Norway”—it was invented in the mid-’40s as part of an MGM publicity stunt
4. Studies show there’s more feces on your doorknob than there is in an actual pile of feces
5. There’s a little girl in Arkansas named Ashley-Marie who has full-blown entitilitis, and she’s praying that everyone in America will breakdance for her at noon next Monday

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1. Nap Strong
2. My Other Bracelet is Fighting Colon Cancer
3. America: Shut Thy Pie Hole
4. Kiss Me, I’m Trendy
5. Please Watch Arrested Development

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1. “Eruption” – Van Halen (Eddie Van Halen)
2. “Hot on Your Heels” – Steeler (Yngwie Malmsteen)
3. “Stairway to Heaven” – Led Zeppelin (Jimmy Page)
4. “One” – Metallica (Kirk Hammett)
5. “Bohemian Rhapsody” – Queen (Brian May)

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1. orthogonal
2. notional
3. sciolist
4. functionality
5. janky

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1. have Ryan start punching preppies at parties again
2. more Julie Cooper in fuzzy track suits
3. new haircuts for everybody
4. Bring back Jimmy Cooper
5. keep not having Oliver on

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