Category Archives: five things

1. “The Gates: An Essay in 5,200 Consecutive Photos”
1. “My New Zune ‘Unboxing'”
1. “Rhinoplasty Recovery, Day 5: Still All Purple”
1. “Back Moles Resembling Notable Whigs”
1. “Goatee Moods, Fall ’04”
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1. the Leslie guitar effect
1. the whole step key change on the last chorus
1. the gong finale
1. the “portamento” keyboard
1. the vocoder introduction
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1. sabre-toothed tiger
1. Captain Crunch
1. John the Baptist
1. dwarf panda
1. Casey Kasem Continue reading →

1. “Feeling That Way” by Journey
1. “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin
1. “You Spin Me Round” by Dead or Alive
1. “Leave Me Alone” by New Order
1. “Caravan” by Van Morrison
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1. Kraft Catalina salad dressing
1. Sprite
1. Concord Grape jam
1. Eggo toaster waffles
1. Stove-top Stuffing (Chicken flavor)
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1. Performance
1. Excellence
1. Mission Statement
1. Synergy
1. Enterprise
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1. “Stunning”
1. “You are a very beautiful young lady”
1. “Please move to MY town! LOL!”
1. “I love the color of your eyes”
1. “Do you have a sister? Just kidding. Ha ha ha. ;-)”
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1. your sideboard
1. your clergyman
1. your thoughts on transubstantiation
1. your hypothalamus
1. your ranch dressing mix
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1. _Working Class Dog_ by Rick Springfield
1. _Spring Session M_ by Missing Persons
1. _Too-Rye-Ay_ by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
1. _The Crossing_ by Big Country
1. _Candy-O_ by The Cars
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1. “Fade to Black” by Metallica
1. “Is That Love?” by Squeeze
1. The Star-Spangled Banner
1. “Model Man” by King Crimson
1. “Theme from _Laverne & Shirley_”
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1. Tricia Helfer
1. Evangeline Lilly
1. Molly Parker
1. Leslie Feist
1. Joni Mitchell
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1. Roy Clark
1. Junior Samples
1. Grandpa Jones
1. the cartoon donkey
1. Cathy Baker
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1. MC Chalk (because I’m brittle and very white)
3. Professor Adipose
1. Tavis D
1. Sedentary Larry
2. 2 Weak
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1. The Flickr
1. The AIM
1. The Jesus
1. The Google
1. The El Niño
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1. authentically behave as though you’re living in an unending Ronnie James Dio song
1. renounce thermodynamics as prideful conceit borne of modern secular culture
1. eat only animals that have appeared in Richard Scarry illustrations
1. lick unused cutlery whenever people aren’t looking
1. finally finish building backyard shrine to Karen Black Continue reading →

1. Li’l Plug
1. Baloney Maurice
1. Chicken Hitler
1. Penis McGarnicle
1. Nacho
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1. shockmount
1. ouroboros
1. catastrophization
1. peloton
1. katoptronophilia
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1. The Minders / *Cul-de-Sacs & Dead Ends*
1. Basement Jaxx / *Remedy*
1. Air / *Premiers Symptomes*
1. Death Cab for Cutie / _Something About Airplanes_
1. Chemical Brothers / _Dig Your Own Hole_ Continue reading →

1. **B.F. Skinner’s Original Stuffers** – The poultry skin of your choosing is stuffed with *a la carte* selections from “th’ fixin’s bar,” deep fried to a golden brown, and served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces.
1. **Bobby B. Butterworth’s Old Fashioned Dairy Funshack** – A frozen quarterpound stick of salted creamery butter is hand-battered, “flash fried,” and served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces.
1. **Long John Silvers’ “Dripper” Hut** – Offshoot of the fast-food seafood franchise offers “mini-buckets” of their leftover fried shortening flecks, served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces.
1. **Mouth Meat Mel’s** – 450º pizza — sure to immediately scald the roof of your mouth — is served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces. (note: first-time members of “The Mel’s Mouth Meat Makers” receive a colorful “_I damaged the delicate tissues of my mouth at Mel’s!_” adhesive ribbon)
1. **Dippin’ Dippin’ Dippin’!** – The “Dippin'” sauce of your choice is served with your choice of fun “Dippin'” sauces. Continue reading →

1. For large groups of trick-or-treaters, always set at least one child ablaze, ensuring enough light that other children won’t trip over uneven pavement.
1. Only separate shards of X-Acto blades from rodent poison _once you get home_; doing so in the dark will lead to inevitable mixups and tummyaches for youngsters with allergies.
1. If a home has its porch light off — but an expressionless face can be seen peering from a cellar window — consider limiting your child’s unattended visit with the resident to no more than four hours.
1. If a close-fitting mask causes your child to fall down a well, use fishing line and a paper clip to retrieve her goodie bag. _Nobody likes wet candy._
1. Although children dressed as SS-Sturmbannführer Michael Lippert are not _required_ to “pretend execute” children dressed as Ernst Röhm, many parents find this bit of theatricality kindles the spirit that makes Halloween such a delight.
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1. Zero Mostel
1. Gene Hackman (retired)
1. Donald Trump
1. that Chinese guy I always see on MUNI
1. Rudy Guiliani (retired)
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1. Surviving members of *every* 50s doo-wop band fight to the death with clubs — shirtless and totally coked-up — in massive Thunderdome-like arena
1. cast of Monty Python comments on previous pledge-season Python commentaries (available on DVD for one-time $200 donation)
1. Gwen Ifill leads a group of American schoolchildren on a field trip to the Beijing factory where your tote bag was manufactured
1. Suze Orman and Johnny Knoxville kick each other in the genitals for 90 minutes
1. _Antiques Roadshow_ guests offered immediate cash on the barrel-head; provided they can eat their entire antique in three minutes

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1. brassel frassel
1. futza mucker
1. cockle spoker
1. snaggle brassa
1. sacka liquor
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1. mysterious dinnertime calls from “underwear police” reveal Capitol Hill area code
1. last-minute codicil of House highway bill briefly renames your town “Jimmy’s Erectionville”
1. “official” email invitation to congressional lap-sitting session clearly comes from AOL address
1. extravagant gift of gladiator movie box-set personally delivered by Rep (perspiring in full gladiator costume)
1. interest in son’s education seems limited to repeated insistence he read _Death in Venice_
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1. repeatedly checked progress of floppy emo forelock
1. wrote lengthy longhand list of “friends”; “de-friended” each by means of vigorous horizontal pen strokes
1. idly doodled “_Dr. and Mrs. Good Charlotte_” in margins of your Consumer Math book
1. cutting — again with the cutting
1. imagined own funeral (and how sad and sorry everyone will be)
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1. people who always use turn signals
1. persons who have never purchased a greeting card
1. Broken Social Scene
1. everyone who can and does continue to publicly breakdance
1. un-ironic wearers of suspenders
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1. Thurston Moore
1. Joe Perry
1. Henry Rollins
1. Flea
1. Chuck Klosterman
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1. “Flight of Icarus” – Greek myth of Daedalus, Icarus, and the wax wings they made
1. “Aces High” – Battle of Britain (1940)
1. “Run to the Hills” – US destroying Native American life and culture (1800s)
1. “The Trooper” – Battle of Balaclava (1854)
1. “The Number of the Beast” – _Damien: Omen II_ (1978)
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1. getting decent disability insurance
1. rum allergies
1. sexual harassment from that fancy new bosun
1. irritable bowel syndrome
1. finding one-legged pants that won’t make your hips look too broad
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1. Ann Coulter
1. John C. Dvorak
1. Donald Trump
1. John Stossel
1. Tony Robbins
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