Category Archives: five things

Two guys are caught–uh–enjoying one another’s company between two houses in a residential area. One speaks only Spanish, while the other speaks a kind of fractured English. When the second man is asked why his fly is down and there’s … Continue reading →

Corn snake in bedroom, 1984 Mother Opossum on the back porch, 1994 White mouse, captured under 5-gallon bucket, 1980 Turtle in side yard, 1977 Imaginary alligator in bathroom, 1972

Hair gel Puns Expressions of sympathy Novelty records Comments on a breakup

“What are you guys, some kind of head fuck band?” (Guy with a mullet at a Bacon Ray show, 1995) “As far as I’m concerned, all you new wavers are in purgatory.” (Doorman at Backstreets, 1990) “If he’s not, he’s … Continue reading →

The Texas Cheesecake Depository Professor P. J. Cornucopia’s Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery The Spaghetti Laboratory Face Stuffers P. Piggly Hogswine’s Super Smorg

1 lb. of bacon 2 lbs. of sausage Dozen eggs Loaf of toast Coffee

L Taraval 22 Fillmore N Judah 5 Fulton 66 Quintara

Fork, four-tined Large spoon Knife, serrated Salad tongs Slotted serving spoon

Adam & the Ants The Who Black Sabbath The Police The Beatles

Accountant Lawyer Minister President of a Bank Funnycar driver

The Kids from C.A.P.E.R The Dukes of Hazzard Mission: Impossible Lancelot Link SWAT

Back acne Siblings Ulcers Access to hard drugs An affinity for sports

Hooters “Just stopping by this one guy’s house for a minute” Bars where women sell shots in test tubes Rooms containing teenagers Anyplace people are praying

Reserved Bootylicious Thrifty Laconic Hospitaliano

“Wings night!” Softball Asking/being asked “how was your weekend?” “Sign the birthday card…pass it on” Boss picks ass while walking down hallway

Frequently ate nothing but mashed potatoes and piping hot coffee Liked watching girls wrestle in their underpants Had a chimp that did dirty things to visitors Hated his own movies–especially the scripts and his acting Gave all his “guys” matching … Continue reading →

Job Paul Jesus Moses God

Large gong behind drummer > 3 guitar players Teleprompters Anyone wearing own band’s t shirt (bonus if it’s for the current tour) Opening with a cover

At home, I hallucinated that Suzie was a limited edition Elizabeth Taylor Denny’s children’s menu (complete with punchouts and maze game) Completely unclear how I made it to work (as busboy at a steakhouse) Foolishly attempted to pick up 40-lb … Continue reading →

Eaten by a large purple dragon. He flies around, and the lavender sunlight shines through his translucent skin as I sit nervously in his stomach, 1971 Score big touchdown and fall in end zone. Stunning blond girl my age (12) … Continue reading →

Stan Ridgway, “The Big Heat” R.E.M., “Lifes Rich Pageant” The Smiths, “The Queen is Dead” Big Audio Dynamite, “This is Big Audio Dynamite” Dead Kennedys/Black Flag Mix Tape

Catwoman (Batman) Joy (the Bugaloos) Bat Girl (Batman) Julie (The Mod Squad) Gwen (Airport)

Tortoise Java SUVs Goldfish Mormons

Evan Feldman, 1986 Pete Cerny, 1987 [The guy who listened to Pat Matheny], 1987 Richard & Jake, 1988 Michael & Dan, 1989

2CB with Dawn, Rick’s House, 1988 Sugarcube with Lynn, Rm 146, 1987 1/2 tab + 1/2 X with Kim, Tony, Schick & Terri, Butgereit, et al, Sandor’s motel, 1994 2/3 tab, Hamilton Center, 1993 (StarBuster night!) San Pedro (tar-based cactus), … Continue reading →

Jack Stayin, Stepfather, 1982 John Brown, Landlord, 1989 John Cooper, House father, 1979 Don Price, Landlord, 1990 Mike Something, Landlord, 1983

Lisa Hughes, 1976 (the big one) Michele Crumley, 1982-1985 (sporadically, later requited) Kim Mundt, 1990 (later requited) Donna Hall, 1982 Kismet Abbey, 1981

2 Quarts of Magnum, followed by a flask of Clan MacGregor. Ferguson plays me “Everything Flows” for the first time, I cover myself in patchouli and pass out on Charlie’s bed. Next day: Madonna-thon and 12 hours of vomiting, 1990. … Continue reading →

Finger slammed in heavy door at Weeki Wachee, 1969 Hearing Light my Fire on the radio, 1972 Chocolate fondue accidentally spilled on head by choir leader, 1976 Tall guy, wearing black shoes with no socks, 1972 Mom’s friend’s daughter talking … Continue reading →

1. Moving to Florida, 1979 2. Accordion Lessons, 1977 3. That one bad haircut, 1981 4. Military School, 1979-1980 5. Mom came home early, 1984