Category Archives: five things

1. “Bring Back my Baby!” (Merdith Baxter)
2. “Hey, That’s my Baby You’ve Got!” (Suzanne Somers)
3. “Baby, Come Back” (Mariel Hemingway)
4. “My Baby is Missing!” (Anne Heche)
5. “Baby in a Tree: A True Story” (Mariette Hartley)

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Hit fenders repeatedly with a ball-peen hammer Defecate on windshield Break into trunk, fill with AOL® discs Throw razor-sharp lawn darts at tires Draw pee-pees and woo-woos on the driver-side door

No Shit Sherlock You Rot A Homo Sez What? Sped! Doy

37 1 5 10 you’re not thinking of a number

1. Freaky French manicure constantly inspected and maintained
2. Seems to really enjoy saying “Solutions Seminar” over and over
3. Cell phone’s “Für Elise” ringtone
4. Thumb ring thought to be quietly boho, perhaps in a T.G.I. Friday’s kind of way
5. Loves that fucking speakerphone, doesn’t she?

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my nigga bodacious rack tequila poppers fully monetized mental floss

I used to underbid other web developers by saying “The Requirements Process? Fuck that! They’re trying to soak you!” (1997) I used to forward things I thought were funny to lots of people via email (1994) I voted for Nader/LaDuke … Continue reading →

Paolo Frechetti’s Original “Zodiac” Gravitage Fünk Mechanicz! “New Zodiac,” featuring Rob Volaré and Martin “Mook” Beelman The Feelin’ Fines

O’Hurlington’s Beet Majesty in Unrendered Goo: 12-oz. Can Generic-brand 12-Bean Ranchero Puffs with Cornsilk Dip’n Sauce: FunPak™ of 5 Mysterious Lady Friend’s Pork Torquelinas in Brine: 14-oz. can (with attached Brinevelope) “No Fucking Way is This Flan!” (aka N.F.W.I.T.F.®): 12 … Continue reading →

Pricey McMarkup’s House of Suspicious Deals Hot Fence Electronics Village Kostly Kornerz Chez Ripoffski: A Retailerié Misleadington’s Big Box

Champ Chief Big Shot Fruity Tex

Six pack of domestic beer: $3.00 2-bedroom house: $25,000 Handgun: $20,000 and up Handjob: $5.00 Admission to First-run Movie: $2.00

Drink coffee Work on Ray Milland impersonation Read advice columns, scoff Water the aloe plant Make lists of five things

Large gift ham in tasteful wicker basket Romantic boatride with Pavarotti (plus one other tenor to be named) Their weight in comfortable athletic shoes from Target™ Semi-nude lap dance from former Senator Bob Dole, optional night of closed-mouth kissing Big … Continue reading →

“Hold on Loosely,” by .38 Special “Stairway to Heaven,” by Led Zeppelin “Spirit of Radio,” by Rush “Sister Christian,” by Night Ranger “Don’t Stop Believin’,” by Journey

“June’s Foreign Spell,” by Spoon “Snowsuit Sound,” by Sloan “Come On, Come On,” by Cheap Trick “Car Radio,” by Spoon “Rocks Off,” by the Rolling Stones

Law & Order The Sopranos Six Feet Under The West Wing Newshour

A morbid fear of closing a cat in a door Uncontrollable counting of patterns of four Repeatedly listening to “Convoy” by C.W. McCall The constant sense that I’d forgotten to wear pants Wondering if I was the only human and … Continue reading →

1. The Devil’s Handbag
2. Dead Man’s Meadow
3. The Widow Encourager
4. Pointy Spikes Through Your Eyes Junction
5. Thumbsnatch Cove

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If it happens that my death occurred in some public place, there is to be no ersatz memorial created on that location comprised of teddy bears, mylar balloons, or terrible poems written on posterboard in pink Magic Marker™. This is … Continue reading →

I dress like a slightly-retarded farm hand I drink Natural Light Beer almost exclusively I still can’t distinguish spoken Cantonese from Mandarin I still say things like “I’m not paying $2000 a month so you can block my driveway, Bub!” … Continue reading →

1. How Kitties Pray
2. Sleep Your Carcinoma Away
3. Healthy Tomorrow…with Tarragon!
4. Armchair Aerobic Crunch
5. International Images of Jesus in Bread

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Pit-Pat Col. Sanders Hamburglar Burger Chef & Jeff Quaker Oats Guy

Commercial for ventriloquist movie, “Magic” Tiny animated Chuck Wagon chased by dog Chanel #5 swimming pool ad Calgon: Ancient Chinese Secret John Cameron Swayze Timex ads

1. No Time for Sundays
2. Die on Your Own Time
3. Tumbler of Bullets
4. Game for Two
5. Fall Down Faster, Lovely

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1. Bob Trumpy
2. Steve Garvey
3. Tommy Lasorda
4. Ron Cey
5. Davey Lopes

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Dutch Masters™ cigars Turkey Salami Tab™ Head Cheese Human souls

Stone Phillips Steve Vai Dr. Phil Trent Lott (pantsless, especially) David Soul

My novelization of “The Warriors” My grassroots movement to begin an “Animal House”-style fraternity Paper torn from spiral notebooks (“I don’t need any frilly underwear,” he’d creepily declare) My extemporaneous remarks on the principal’s Nordic accent Monkey business

Sack Lunch Rochelle, Rochelle Cry, Cry Again Death Blow Prognosis Negative