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- Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself
- Five things we should clear up
- Five extremely minor characters
- Five terrible fake X-Men franchises
- Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment
- Five names that sound like they have too many syllables
- Five superpowers I promise would use only for good
- Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents
- Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes
- Five reasons 5ives was down for two years
- Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens
- Five controversial ontologies
- Five cutting-edge greeting cards
- Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo
- Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII
- Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California
- Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now
- Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker
- Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books
- Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use
- Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me
- Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels
- Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants
- Five records I wish I could have sung backup on
- Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing
- Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday
- Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles
- Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report
- Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record
- Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product
- Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere
- Five “Web 2.0” ways to break up with your boyfriend
- Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines
- Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard
- Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you
- Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!
- Five names you can belch
- Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
- Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog
- Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals
- Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto
- Five terrible fake names for villages in England
- Five historical blog posts
- Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts
- Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court
- Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)
- Five things I still don’t really understand
- Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me
- Five rejected Spice Girl personalities
- Five phrases I often find disorienting
- Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)
- Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception
- Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally
- Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself
- Five things you might do with “all that ass”
- Five things of which I will never tire
- Five douchebag power tools
- Five terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for
- Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation
- Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”
- Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s
- Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself
- Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit
- Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open
- Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”
- Five early 80s albums that are better than you probably remember
- Five songs I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
- Five recent makebelieve Canadian girlfriends
- Five favorite Hee Haw performers
- Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself
- Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article
- Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions
- Five nicknames I would find unbearable
- Five favorite words I learned last year
- Five albums I was listening to when I moved to San Francisco (seven years ago today)
- Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants
- Five Halloween safety tips
- Five owners of ambitious combovers
- Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS
- Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing
- Five possible signs your congressman thinks your teenaged son is hot
- Five things you did while MySpace was down
- Five groups, apart from “women and children,” who should get to leave a sinking ship first
- Five persons who will eventually appear in every rock documentary
- Five excellent Iron Maiden songs (and what each is ostensibly about)
- Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates
- Five people who are much more enjoyable if you imagine them as pro wrestlers
- Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave
- Five TV shows I’ll bet you don’t remember
- Five injustices you bravely suffer
- Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
- Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read
- Five terrible fake scripts from a notional fourth season of Gilligan’s Island
- Five amazing high-hat parts
- Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do
- Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses
- Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events
- Five terrible fake David Blaine endurance stunts
- Five phrases I wish I had occasion to use more often
- Five things you probably don’t need to be carrying all the time
- Five things I wish I could get more into
- Five suggested Flickr tags
- Five periodicals I loved in the 90s
- Five amazing Beatles bridges
- Five ubiquitous anatomical embellishments from which I could use a break
- Five terrible fake Morrissey songs
- Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”
- Five places where the burnouts would hang out and smoke in junior high
- Five things that make me smile
- Five songs I sometimes listen to on repeat for 20 minutes
- Five composers I’m glad never had to hear their work performed primarily as ear-screeching ringtones
- Five things I currently have no intention of doing
- Five things that aren’t particularly helping my nascent dharma practice
- Five songs I’ve completely obsessed over
- Five terrible fake “Morning Zoo” teams
- Five candidates Madeline has repeatedly vetoed to be “our song”
- Five things I had to keep explaining to the guy at REI
- Five places I’ve had my hair cut
- Five good things to absorb while you’re still young
- Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
- Five decidedly un-super supergroups
- Five things you can bring along to help make the party all about you
- Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together
- Five more excellent public radio names
- Five works I adore by artists I otherwise don’t care for
- Five people I’m told I impersonate badly
- Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
- Five notional movies that might not have gone over as well with fundamentalists
- Five ways to get on the del.icio.us home page
- Five terrible fake entrees from the dotcom era
- Five ways your histrionic anti-abortion friend might refer to a fetus
- Five people of whom I confess to being a bit weary
- Five things (besides a television) that you could constantly remind people you won’t use
- Five rules of thumb
- Five more things Pat Robertson needs you to pray on
- Five They Might Be Giants songs I often find myself singing
- Five thoughts on who “they” might be
- Five favorite guitar chords
- Five rules from the NPR drinking game
- Five bands I’m sorry I never got to see live
- Five terrible fake non-fiction bestsellers
- Five favorite new wave drummers
- Five terrible fake secrets about Seals & Crofts
- Five things I have read repeatedly in the bathroom
- Five beverages I haven’t drunk very often since college
- Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five user icons
Here’s All of the 5ives
Category Archives: five things
Five cool words I’ve been having trouble working into a normal sentence
trepanation illiquid defenestration antediluvian kopophobia
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Five unrelated things I’ve noticed about myself since moving to California in 1999
I curse like a sailor, even in mixed company I don’t really enjoy reading novels very much I should stop interrupting people I don’t understand the game of craps at all I should eat much more fruit
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Five things I just can’t get behind for some reason
Using the phrase “First Annual” Foot tattoos Talk radio Heroin Televised awards shows
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Five things I like more than I want to admit
Speaking in the passive voice The Old Testament Justin Timberlake Waking up really early Saying “See you in cyberspace!” when I drunkenly leave a party
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Five fake names I like to give at restaurants
Mr. Bob Dobalina Thorstenson Finlandson Rrrrrrrrrroberto! Bubb Rubb Dr. Julius Kelp
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Five good responses for telemarketers or collection agencies
I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with human sacrifice? Seriously, will you still be this interested in me after we’ve dated for a while? Would you be able to tell if I were defecating right now? I … Continue reading
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Five terrible fake names for Michael Jackson’s children
Popcorn Marie Jackson Backrub Jackson John Paul Michael Ringo Jackson Catbox Mel Ramen Pants Jackson Mannix II
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Five terrible fake names for failed dotcom design firms
AwkwardFish.com DreamShepherds.com PicklePixel.com CashNozzle.com MonkeyMonkey.com
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Five actors and the roles for which I’d like to see them nominated for an Oscar®
- Jennifer Lopez (Struggling single mother and diner waitress, beset with late-onset acromegaly melts the hearts of her recent-immigrant customers)
- John Goodman (Struggling morbidly obese food critic, tragically born without a hypothalamus, devours flatware and crockery of Chicago’s finest eateries)
- Jim Carrey (Struggling set of profoundly retarded triplets with intermittent psychic abilities fails to consistently predict important international events)
- Brittany Murphy (Struggling double-amputee, 1/4-Cherokee law student with mild IBS teaches a town of old fogies how to dance…and, consequently, to love)
- Haley Joel Osment (Struggling child actor faces decreasing cuteness and an intruding urge to kill)
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Five disturbing fake names for ejaculate
- La Salsa Hombre
- Onan’s Bearnaise
- Love Pollution
- Saint Mayo’s Spread of Desperation
- Instant Daddy Mix
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Five things that make it hard for me to take you seriously
Finding ways to mention you don’t own a TV. Repeatedly. Expecting me to call you “Doctor” Pronouncing the French film festival “kahn” That little Garth Brooks headset you use with the cell phone Using the word “vortal” without a speck … Continue reading
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Five wallets I’ve enjoyed
Adam & the Ants screen-printed velcro sports wallet (1982) Levi’s© denim billfold with patch (1978) Sharper Imageâ„¢ taxicab driver’s wallet (1999) (My late father’s) Masonic wallet, featuring enormous creepy “G” (1976) Two rubberbands (1988)
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Five things you just don’t hear much about anymore
Bumper pool est Macramé Pogs T’Pau
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Five Records I Listened to on the Way to Work (SF to Menlo Park; February, 2001)
Belle & Sebastian / Fold your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant Badly Drawn Boy / The Hour of Bewilderbeast The Zombies / Odessey & Oracle Oranger / Doorway to Norway The Posies / Amazing Disgrace
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Five Hall & Oates songs I often have in my head
I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do) Kiss on my List Private Eyes When the Morning Comes You Make My Dreams
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Five records I listened to after school (1983)
Ozzy Osbourne / The Blizzard of Ozz The Who / Tommy Adam & the Ants / Prince Charming Night Ranger / Dawn Patrol Cheap Trick / One on One
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Five ideas I had when I was 14
My best friend, John Patten, and I should live in a fanciful treehouse with our future wives and a menagerie of mostly wild animals There should be a national system where everyone has to get a permanent identifying mark so … Continue reading
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Five words that are fun to say in an elaborate Jerry Lewis voice
Laden Helmac Hoisin Finland Havlicek
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Five terrible fake names for a sensitive singer/songwriter’s album
- Gentle Saltine Days
- 2 Tickets to Me
- Waving at Yesterdays
- (Get Inside) The Pencils of my Mind
- The Ironic Woman
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Five terrible fake euphemisms for defecating
- Carpet bombing
- Trimming Daddy’s Christmas tree
- Flipping my burgers
- Busting a Pollock
- Rewarding our heroes
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Five Records I Listened to on the Way to Work (Tallahassee; Summer, 1999)
Silkworm / In the West Creeper Lagoon / I Become Small and Go Guided by Voices / Do the Collapse Pavement / Terror Twilight Elliott Smith / XO
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Five (presumably) fake personality tests (and what I think my result would be)
- Which piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken are you? (thigh)
- Which abusive celebrity parent are you? (Joan Crawford)
- Which unreleased Jerry Lewis vehicle are you? (The Day the Clown Cried)
- Which difficult calisthenic are you? (sit ups)
- Which odd euphemism for sexual intercourse are you? (genital congress)
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Five terrible fake Brian Wilson songs from the mid-70s
- Envelopes are Good for Mailing Letters
- (We’re Having) Leftover Pot Roast for Lunch
- 12:15, 12:15–It’s Almost 12:16
- Mike Keeps Hollering (at Me and My Imaginary Friend)
- French Fries in My Beard (Make Me Happy, But Sometimes Very Sad)
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Five extraordinary food and drink deals within three blocks of our flat
16oz. of BBQ pork chow mein & 3 dim sum of your choice: $2.33 (Bay Pastry) Forestville 2000 Cabernet Sauvignon, 1.5l bottle: $8.49 (Sevan Liquors [a/k/a “The Little Laotian Man”]) 1/4 BBQ duck, 1/4 soy sauce chicken, served over baby … Continue reading
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Five Celebrities Who Wrote Me Back
H.R. Pufnstuf (1970) Tony the Tiger (1973) Santa (numerous) Gerald Ford (1975) Jonathan Richman (1988)
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Five LPs the RCA Music Club Erroneously Sent to My House, 1978
1. The Beach Boys / Greatest Hits 2. The Monkees / Greatest Hits 3. KISS / Destroyer 4. Peter Frampton / Comes Alive 5. Dolly Parton / The Best of…
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Five Actors I Constantly Confuse with One Another
Brian Dennehy Dolph Sweet Wilford Brimley Charles Durning That one guy who’s on Law & Order sometimes
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Five Things You Might Want to Reconsider
Relining your own brakes Wearing that tube-top Ending your emails with “Cheers!” Naming the kid “Tyler” Watching that same “Friends” again
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Five things Ozzy Osbourne would like you to do for him tonight
Put your hands in the air! Go crazy! Make some noise! Put your hands in the fucking air! Clap them fucking hands!
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Five Good Places to be Menaced by Bullies
Playground at recess That place in the woods where the bad kids smoke Behind the Burger Chef Parking lot of the skating rink At the mall, outside “Hoffritz for Cutlery”
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