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- Five Musicians to Whom I’ve Drunkenly Introduced Myself
- Five things we should clear up
- Five extremely minor characters
- Five terrible fake X-Men franchises
- Five things that rarely indicate the beginning of a world-class blog comment
- Five names that sound like they have too many syllables
- Five superpowers I promise would use only for good
- Five cool baby names based on U.S. presidents
- Five Obvious Raymond Carver Jokes
- Five reasons 5ives was down for two years
- Five terrible fake panics obsessing parents of teens
- Five controversial ontologies
- Five cutting-edge greeting cards
- Five guitarists who can rock the three-note solo
- Five nice perks of becoming an OT-VII
- Five popular remodeling projects in Northern California
- Five things the lady standing outside the window at the Today Show, holding a cardboard sign with a picture of a kitten she cut out of Parade Magazine, is thinking about right now
- Five menu items at Silver Spoon Thai that could also be the name of an unsuccessful sex worker
- Five terrible fake Mitch Albom books
- Five excellent fake names I’ve never found a place to use
- Five inanimate objects that frequently seem annoyed with me
- Five terrible fake Jane Austen novels
- Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurants
- Five records I wish I could have sung backup on
- Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing
- Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday
- Five unusual Top Chef production crew titles
- Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic report
- Five rejected titles for the latest Coldplay record
- Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product
- Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere
- Five “Web 2.0” ways to break up with your boyfriend
- Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines
- Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard
- Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you
- Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!
- Five names you can belch
- Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
- Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog
- Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals
- Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto
- Five terrible fake names for villages in England
- Five historical blog posts
- Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts
- Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court
- Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)
- Five things I still don’t really understand
- Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me
- Five rejected Spice Girl personalities
- Five phrases I often find disorienting
- Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)
- Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception
- Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally
- Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself
- Five things you might do with “all that ass”
- Five things of which I will never tire
- Five douchebag power tools
- Five terrible fake reality TV shows
- Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for
- Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation
- Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”
- Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s
- Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself
- Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit
- Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open
- Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”
- Five early 80s albums that are better than you probably remember
- Five songs I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
- Five recent makebelieve Canadian girlfriends
- Five favorite Hee Haw performers
- Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself
- Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article
- Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions
- Five nicknames I would find unbearable
- Five favorite words I learned last year
- Five albums I was listening to when I moved to San Francisco (seven years ago today)
- Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants
- Five Halloween safety tips
- Five owners of ambitious combovers
- Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS
- Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing
- Five possible signs your congressman thinks your teenaged son is hot
- Five things you did while MySpace was down
- Five groups, apart from “women and children,” who should get to leave a sinking ship first
- Five persons who will eventually appear in every rock documentary
- Five excellent Iron Maiden songs (and what each is ostensibly about)
- Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates
- Five people who are much more enjoyable if you imagine them as pro wrestlers
- Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave
- Five TV shows I’ll bet you don’t remember
- Five injustices you bravely suffer
- Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
- Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read
- Five terrible fake scripts from a notional fourth season of Gilligan’s Island
- Five amazing high-hat parts
- Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do
- Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses
- Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events
- Five terrible fake David Blaine endurance stunts
- Five phrases I wish I had occasion to use more often
- Five things you probably don’t need to be carrying all the time
- Five things I wish I could get more into
- Five suggested Flickr tags
- Five periodicals I loved in the 90s
- Five amazing Beatles bridges
- Five ubiquitous anatomical embellishments from which I could use a break
- Five terrible fake Morrissey songs
- Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”
- Five places where the burnouts would hang out and smoke in junior high
- Five things that make me smile
- Five songs I sometimes listen to on repeat for 20 minutes
- Five composers I’m glad never had to hear their work performed primarily as ear-screeching ringtones
- Five things I currently have no intention of doing
- Five things that aren’t particularly helping my nascent dharma practice
- Five songs I’ve completely obsessed over
- Five terrible fake “Morning Zoo” teams
- Five candidates Madeline has repeatedly vetoed to be “our song”
- Five things I had to keep explaining to the guy at REI
- Five places I’ve had my hair cut
- Five good things to absorb while you’re still young
- Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
- Five decidedly un-super supergroups
- Five things you can bring along to help make the party all about you
- Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together
- Five more excellent public radio names
- Five works I adore by artists I otherwise don’t care for
- Five people I’m told I impersonate badly
- Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
- Five notional movies that might not have gone over as well with fundamentalists
- Five ways to get on the del.icio.us home page
- Five terrible fake entrees from the dotcom era
- Five ways your histrionic anti-abortion friend might refer to a fetus
- Five people of whom I confess to being a bit weary
- Five things (besides a television) that you could constantly remind people you won’t use
- Five rules of thumb
- Five more things Pat Robertson needs you to pray on
- Five They Might Be Giants songs I often find myself singing
- Five thoughts on who “they” might be
- Five favorite guitar chords
- Five rules from the NPR drinking game
- Five bands I’m sorry I never got to see live
- Five terrible fake non-fiction bestsellers
- Five favorite new wave drummers
- Five terrible fake secrets about Seals & Crofts
- Five things I have read repeatedly in the bathroom
- Five beverages I haven’t drunk very often since college
- Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
- Five user icons
Here’s All of the 5ives
Category Archives: five things
Five affectations I’ve been considering
+ Wearing a monocle
+ Developing and deploying a complex personal gang sign
+ Angrily demanding that people call me “Colonel”
+ Speaking exclusively in terrible cockney rhyming slang
+ Constantly referring to “my novella” Continue reading
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Five terrible fake names for Greg Kihn albums
+ Kihntankerous
+ Kihnjoined Twins
+ Kihn-Tiki
+ Under Kihnstruction
+ Kihntucky Rain Continue reading
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Five words I choose not to recognize as verbs
+ Incentivize
+ Deplane
+ Impact
+ Blog
+ Party Continue reading
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Five things you could win at the carnival (1983)
+ Roach clip with feathers
+ Coarsely grained, oddly hard, stuffed animal
+ Lynyrd Skynyrd coke mirror
+ Another throw
+ Big-ass pink comb Continue reading
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Five articles of clothing that once gave me joy
+ Painters’ pants worn with ‘Mork’ rainbow suspenders and Dallas Cowboys 3/4-sleeve shirt (1979)
+ Red Johnny Bench sneakers (1975)
+ T-shirt airbrushed with the cover of “Wolverine #1” comic book (1982)
+ Hüsker Dü “Metal Circus” t-shirt (1987)
+ Batman halloween costume (1972) Continue reading
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Five great pieces of housecleaning music
+ Metallica / Master of Puppets
+ Sousa / Marches
+ Beastie Boys / Paul’s Boutique
+ Laibach / Life is Life
+ Sonic Youth / Daydream Nation Continue reading
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Five “Brady Bunch” Characters (and what sometimes make me fear I’m a little like each of them)
+ Peter (throws an elaborate party and no one comes; he stands alone, stiffly, wearing a weird double-breasted suit)
+ Greg (screws around reading hot rod magazines when he should be working; loses his Dad’s drawings)
+ Mike (freaks when Natalie Schafer’s guest-starring character wants a factory shaped like a powder puff regardless of how practical it is to build)
+ Cousin Oliver (jinxes the entire family after awkwardly turning up as a tired plot rejuvenator)
+ Davy Jones (clearly not sure why he’s there or what he’s expected to be doing; smiles broadly and plays along anyway wearing inexplicable striped pants) Continue reading
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Five of the best songs Michael Ferguson introduced me to
+ Teenage Fanclub / Everything Flows (1990)
+ Pylon / Crazy (1986)
+ The Fall / Victoria (1988)
+ Drivin’ and Cryin’ / Scarred But Smarter (1987)
+ The Sugarcubes / Birthday (1988) Continue reading
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Five possible reasons there’s a stretch limo parked outside
+ Japanese businessmen are considering a leveraged buyout of the Sunset District
+ Little Laotian man around the corner is secretly a rich, hostile pimp
+ Someone’s about to receive a giant, novelty-sized check from Ed McMahon
+ The 85-year-old man next door is about to get a Queer Eye makeover
+ I’m actually Bon Jovi Continue reading
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Five songs I liked to play on the jukebox at the Pizza Inn (1976-’78)
+ David Soul – Don’t Give up on Us, Baby
+ The Village People – Macho Man
+ John Travolta – Let Her In
+ Alan O’Day – Undercover Angel
+ Meco – Star Wars/Cantina Theme Continue reading
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Five terrible fake names for your new pleasure boat
+ Papa’s Li’l Cry for Help
+ Thar’s Gold in Them Thar Prostates
+ Your Mom’s Not Coming Home IV
+ Better’n a Hairweave, Matey
+ The Boss’s Obsequious Little Bitch Continue reading
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Five items banned in accordance with my junior high handbook
+ Faddish, i.e. *punk* hair-styles
+ Halter tops and/or bare midriff costumes
+ Public Display of Affection (PDA)
+ Shoving, skylarking, and other horseplay
+ Articles of clothing advertising alcohol, drugs or tobacco Continue reading
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Five tattoos it’s probably better that I don’t have (and where each would go)
+ Thompson Twins’ Into the Gap album cover (entire back)
+ Map of Bayonet Point, FL (face, shaved head)
+ Cartoon Calvin peeing joyfully on the staff of Pitchfork (upper left arm)
+ “TALK” & “ROCK” (knuckles of either hand)
+ Hash mark for each time I’ve seen Cheap Trick (back of neck; currently 5) Continue reading
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Five ill-advised giveaway nights at the ballpark
+ Chinese Throwing Star Night
+ Loaded .22 (with scope) Night
+ Guess Your Cholesterol and Get a Free Footlong Night
+ Leaky Bag of Urine Night
+ Nickel Absinthe Night Continue reading
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Five controversial performers coming to your local library
+ Professor Candypants (mime & contortionist)
+ MC Preclear ‘n’ the “Get Audizzited” Crew (evangelical rap crew)
+ Principal Badtouch (tapdancer & close magician)
+ Roofie McSleepytime (clown hypnotist)
+ Whitevan Andy & the Roadtrip Kidz (unspecified travel initiative) Continue reading
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Five ways I tend to feel after speaking with Sprint’s Customer Service
+ Like I was just traded to another inmate for 2 packs of menthol cigarettes
+ Like I’ve been slapped repeatedly with a half-frozen sturgeon
+ Like I’ve accidentally just agreed to finish the homework of every kid in my middle school
+ Like somewhere in a big Sprint building, there’s a fat man with a monocle and a top hat smoking a cigar while dancing a jig and holding a fat bag of five-dollar bills with my bewildered face on it
+ Very, very unclean Continue reading
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Five odd memories of TV
+ Uncomfortable to see Fred McMurray and sons all playing Petula Clark’s “Downtown” on saxaphone (late in the run of My Three Sons)
+ Genuinely saddened when it appeared Fonzie would have to spend Christmas alone in the garage (early episode of Happy Days)
+ Pulling with all of my mental might for the buxom, wisecracking “Team ABC” (every Battle of the Network Stars)
+ Utter years-long frustration at my lack of vocabulary to ask why some TV shows looked “inside” or “shiny” [shot on video] while others were “outside” or “flat” [shot on film] (various)
+ Feeling an awkward but overwhelmingly powerful proto-sexual attraction to Emmy Jo (The New Zoo Revue, early 70s) Continue reading
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Five observations from my first 25 minutes of yoga
+ This Rodney Yee person is in much better physical condition than I am
+ Yoga is not, apparently, a competition; thus, you are discouraged from yelling “In your face!” at your partner/opponent
+ “Downward facing dog” makes me feel a little dirty
+ Lacking a points system, Yoga offers no particular bonus for finishing quickly or making pithy remarks
+ I remain suspicious of activities in which I cannot wear shoes or drink Continue reading
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Five things I only needed to try once
+ All-day reggae festival (1988)
+ Chewing on a fistful of D batteries (1970)
+ Being in a Neil Simon play (1984)
+ Talking to Pete Rose (1976)
+ Lead singer in a execrably bad metal cover band (1985) Continue reading
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Five fake names for a notional magazine about extreme treadmill exercise
+ Goin’ Nowhere
+ Happy Right Here
+ Basement Belters
+ No Vistas
+ In One Place Continue reading
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Five colleges and why I wanted to attend each
– USC – Had that marching band that played on Tusk (1979)
– Florida State – Brochure featured prominent photo of adorable blonde girl dressed like an indian (1984)
– Rollins – Heard classes were easy and underaged drinking was widely tolerated (1983)
– University of Florida – Orange and blue were my favorite colors, plus alligators are cool (1980)
– West Point – Everything seemed so tidy (1978) Continue reading
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Five terrible fake Christmas TV specials
– A Scaled-Down Christmas: Going Through the Motions with Martha Stewart
– The Town That Forgot to Ship Early
– Kazuki Takahashi’s© Yu-Gi-Ohâ„¢ Cardtastical Action Holiday Tournament®
– Rudolph’s Shiny New Prince Albert
– E!’s “Background Noise for Drinking Alone” Marathon Continue reading
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Five things I’d like to teach the world this Christmas
– To sing in perfect harmony (naturally)
– To use their turn signals
– To buy music and t-shirts from bands they like at live shows
– To offer their seats on MUNI to old Chinese ladies
– To give the whole “white hip-hop guy” thing a rest for a while Continue reading
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Five most depressing “Christmas Gifts” for sale at Walgreens
– Fiber Optic Angel (with five-color oscillating ass-wings)
– Celine Dion “Parfums”
– Neon Guitar Wall Art
– Electronic-Eye Santa (joylessly croaking “Ho, ho, ho” when it detects motion)
– Advanced Formula Toe Fungus Cream Continue reading
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Five “celebrities” I need you to stop encouraging
Tom Arnold Tony Danza Kirstie Alley John Walsh All prop comics (except Rip Taylor)
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Five great reasons to buy a Hummer™
You’ve been wanting to buy much wider groceries (but have been stymied by the timid width of your Escalade) You and your make-believe wife were thinking of having 11 or 12 imaginary kids You’re sick of always being the environment’s … Continue reading
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Five things I realized later than I probably should have
My crappy BSR turntable played everything a full step too fast (1984) “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” is a dirty play on words (1987) New Order was mostly a disco band … Continue reading
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Five resolutions for the new year
Stop apologizing for drinking at work Undertake some kind of faith-based initiative Start carrying a yoga mat everywhere Spearhead a trucker cap buy-back initiative Begin more publicly referring to myself in the third-person as “Daddy.”
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Five things I probably should not have tried to make on my own
- Clove cigarettes (1985)
- Spiderman-like web shooters (1977)
- Hash (1986)
- Fonzie-like hairstyle (using Vaseline Petroleum Jelly) (1976)
- Poems (1987)
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Five things I sometimes wish I still had
- My Banana Splits cereal bowl
- My full set of mid-’60s Batman and Tarzan trading cards
- My 7-inch of “Silly Love Songs” by Wings
- My 1970 VW camper van
- Easy access to Skyline Chili
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