Category Archives: five things

1. “Makes No Sense At All” / Hüsker Dü
2. “You Got It” / Mudhoney
3. “Brown Eyed Girl” / Van Morrison
4. “Hot Rod Lincoln” / Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen
5. “Ring of Fire” / Wall of Voodoo Continue reading →

1. These Amps Ain’t Made of Candy Floss, ‘Guv
2. Fuckin’ Olive Loaf Again
3. Angus Drank (The Last Mountain Dew)
4. (Almost Nothing) Rhymes with ‘Dynamite’
5. These Knees Is Almost Fifty Continue reading →

1. Tommy Shaw
2. Andrew Ridgeley
3. John Oates
4. Ted McGinley
5. The Captain (_sans_ Tennille) Continue reading →

1. Mousetrap
2. Stay Alive
3. Don’t Break the Ice
4. Trouble
5. Connect Four Continue reading →

1. Checking the mail
2. Skipping breakfast
3. Apologizing
4. Call screening
5. Leaving early Continue reading →

1. Thought I was a ninja (1982)
2. Listened to the overture from _Carmen_ every morning (1988)
3. That weird Bible thing (1981)
4. Dungeons & Dragons (1983)
5. Hiding inside available furniture and fixtures (1972) Continue reading →

1. kitchen sink sponge
2. water filter
3. baking soda in fridge
4. toothbrush
5. garage light bulb Continue reading →

1. Pierce (_Zits_)
2. Heathcliff
3. Lt. Gizmo (_Beetle Bailey_)
4. Garfield
5. Dead Grandpa (_Family Circus_) Continue reading →

1. Chiropractors
2. Scientology
3. Magic shows
4. Pole dancing
5. Mime Continue reading →

+ lip gloss
+ Jovan Musk
+ garter belts
+ Aerobicise® on Showtime
+ any female who would talk to me Continue reading →

+ Unsatisfied – The Replacements
+ There’s a Light That Never Goes Out – The Smiths
+ Ever Fallen in Love? – The Buzzcocks
+ True Faith – New Order
+ Couldn’t I Just Tell You? – Todd Rundgren
Continue reading →

+ Unattractive people are colorful and goodhearted
+ Almost everyone in Tuscany is an aging character actor with a funny hat
+ Italian men like watching women dance in fountains
+ Tuscan birthing rooms have unscreened windows with extraordinary views
+ The local police will give you rides on their little scooter bikes provided that you’re Diane Lane in a skirt Continue reading →

+ The fanny pack
+ The fake English accent
+ The doo rag
+ That black light illuminating the under-carriage of your ’81 Tercel
+ The hair plugs Continue reading →

+ Protection of Words Fewer than Three Syllables Act
+ Bill to make the “High Five” the US’s official greeting
+ National ‘Everybody Wears Jeans’ Day (March 14th)
+ The “Pretty Girls Shouldn’t Act All Stuck Up” Amendment
+ Presidential proclamation that “California Must Apologize to Jesus (and It Has to Sound Like They Really Mean It)” Continue reading →

+ Eat big steaks
+ Watch David Letterman
+ Look at old photos
+ Listen to Brian Eno (ambient period only, please)
+ Talk about how my dead stepfather sucked Continue reading →

1. Mandalit Del Barco
2. Lakshmi Singh
3. Snigdha Prakash
4. Russ Ringsak
5. Robin Gianattassio-Malle

Continue reading →

+ She has had a very long day and does not need a whole lot of lip from anybody
+ Her daughter is facing a completely unfair suspension from her junior high
+ She can very easily take her business somewhere else right this minute
+ This is the third time she’s had to come in this week about this and she really can’t talk about it any more
+ She does not appreciate being treated like this, thank you very much Continue reading →

+ “Participate in Operation Prayer Shield” (bumper sticker on a minivan at Publix)
+ “God made Adam and Eve–not Adam and Steve” (church billboard near Grandma’s house)
+ “Welcome to America: Now Speak English!” (bumper sticker on a pickup at the Texaco)
+ “NO FITTING ROOMS: In an effort to keep the cost low, we do not provide fitting rooms.” (WalMart Supercenter, men’s room door)
+ “Please stand at least ten feet away from this door because sometimes it opens unexpectedly and you might get hurt” (Mom’s hip doctor’s office’s waiting room) Continue reading →

+ Jimmy Carter invented the “Pop ‘n Lock” breakdancing move when he was in the navy
+ Warren G. Harding once stabbed a hobo on a dare
+ Thomas Jefferson traded Dolly Madison three mules and a quill pen for an erotically charged lapdance
+ Calvin Coolidge never finished his dessert
+ James K. Polk liked it rough Continue reading →

+ “Bumfights” video
+ Genital warts
+ Monster Manual
+ Deal-a-Meal™
+ Restraining order Continue reading →

+ Bobby Joe “King” Crimson
+ “Meshuggah” Hyram Rafelson
+ “Syphillitc” Robbie
+ Blind “Blindie” Blindieblind
+ Cantankerous Wilbur (no. 2) Continue reading →

+ Toothbrushes
+ Athletic shoes
+ Ordering coffee
+ Getting out of jury duty
+ Young men’s haircuts Continue reading →

+ Locker key (1981)
+ Video game tokens/Quarters (1983)
+ Jim Dunlop 1mm guitar pick (1988)
+ Ephedrine (1991)
+ Imodium (2001) Continue reading →

+ crunk
+ nizzle
+ Linux
+ gi-normous
+ craptacular Continue reading →

+ Professor Buggery, Ph.D.: Can your child’s teachers pass our Pederasty Popquiz?
+ That’s Not Chocolate! How would you know if there were poo-poo in your family’s candy dish?
+ Rats, Cats, & Big, Curly Pubic Hairs: The filthy truth inside your favorite “Four Star” restaurants
+ public_humiliation@yourcomputer.com: What career-ending secrets are lurking on your family’s hard drive? Is The Government cataloging them right now?
+ “My Baby’s on Fire!”: Find out if your child is one of the hundreds at risk for Spontaneous Toddler Combustion Continue reading →

+ Mommy’s Atrocious Rash-Inducer
+ Old Spinydrawers
+ Rod Serling
+ Short Circuit II
+ Mr. Limpy Continue reading →

+ The kitty photos (especially that fourth set)
+ That one post where you were really drunk in Devan’s room
+ The time you ate that amazing pot pie but then got totally sick
+ Your series of charcoal drawings of Jonathan Frakes as a sword-wielding furry
+ That post where you promised to update more often Continue reading →

+ climbing the rope
+ towel snapping
+ chinups
+ square-dancing week
+ surreptitious penis comparisons Continue reading →

+ Queen – “We Will Rock You,” b/w “We are the Champions”
+ Chic – “Le Freak”
+ Wings – “Listen to What the Man Said”
+ Bee Gees – “Too Much Heaven”
+ Blondie – “Heart of Glass” Continue reading →

+ Preference for a given Olsen sister
+ Brand of water cracker
+ System for opening the mail
+ Favorite magazine about NASCAR
+ Best way to order at the taqueria Continue reading →