- become genial TV spokesman for Crisco, the preferred ad hoc head-anointing oil of evangelicals everywhere
- hang out at the food court; throw piping-hot buffalo wings at breast-feeding mothers
- take internet veterinary course; learn to euthanize cats
- write and produce one-man, all-singing, all-dancing revue: Room 101!
- find similar country with too damned many civil rights on the books
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