August 19th, 2008
- Rash and Rationality
- Punk and Punctuality
- Beast and Bestiality
- Funk and Functionality
- Fried and Credulous
August 19th, 2008
- The Saltiest Joint
- Suck the Bone
- Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
- Bar-B-Q*bert
- Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory
August 19th, 2008
- “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by The Lovin’ Spoonful
- “Wall of Death” by Richard & Linda Thompson
- “Rocks Off” by The Rolling Stones
- anything by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
- “The Village Green Preservation Society” by The Kinks
August 19th, 2008
- barber
- MUNI driver
- flight attendant
- kung-fu master
- deceased fried chicken entrepreneur
July 19th, 2008
- condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
- The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
- phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
- Surfer Rosa by Pixies
- iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume
June 9th, 2008
- Fauxhawk Sharpener
- Timpani Dramaticizer
- Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer
- Foam Consultant
- Clog Wrangler
June 9th, 2008
- slow in pockets
- jackknifed big rig
- backed-up to the maze
- Friday-light
- goat on the shoulder
June 9th, 2008
- ¿Perry Cómo Estás?
- Que Syrah Syrah
- Bicycletarse
- Chili Art Carney
- No Hablamos Español
April 4th, 2008
- Quiet Evenings
- Me & the Kitties
- Lonesome Bites
- Monomunches
- Singles…for Life!
March 19th, 2008
- blogmobisodes
- webmobinars
- telestreamanogisodes
- lividmobipostiscussions
- netconvermomomobomasations
March 18th, 2008
- add unflattering Flickr tag, “Fat asshole with a unibrow”
- change Facebook status to “He’s literally dead to me”
- web widget counts up days since your last climax (currently: “193″)
- share Zoho spreadsheet to split up MySpace friends
- decline to participate in Series B round of affection
March 13th, 2008
- Ever wonder what’s happening under Orion’s belt?
- Hop in my van, and I’ll show you something else that’s constantly expanding.
- Was Democritus the first one to postulate your mysterious Milky Way?
- I’d like to Sagittarius your Pisces, and that’s no Taurus.
- How about we go outside and discover Uranus?
March 6th, 2008
- Daniel Poon
- Mr. Strange
- Steve the Sleeve
- Snatch Adams
- Ol’ Vag
March 6th, 2008
- Romana Clay
- Rosco Green
- Kel Domage
- Fanny B. Tender
- Farrell Katz
February 12th, 2008
- gently enquires as to where you like to put the turkey baster
- repeatedly offers to demonstrate “how Blighty squeezes the lemonade”
- stands in your front yard, pants-less and swinging a garden hose in lazy figure-eights
- makes rapid “milking a cow” gesture while screaming something incoherent about Robert Johnson
- drops his semi-erect penis onto your dessert plate
February 4th, 2008
- Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
- Project Segway
- Would You Eat This for Money?
- America’s Next Top Preclear
- Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?
February 1st, 2008
- your Flickr.com photos are still your own (although human faces are now obscured by selected partner company logos)
- owing to unavoidable data corruption, all Upcoming.org events must be reinstalled monthly
- following upgrade to Vista, clicking del.icio.us links now requires 1 GB of RAM and 40 GB drive space (per link)
- Jerry Yang now compelled to “do that funny MC Hammer dance” whenever Ballmer’s meds start wearing off
- folksy motto tweaked to “If You Ever Want to See That Pretty Family of Yours Again, You Damned Straight Better Fucking Yahoo!“
February 1st, 2008
- Frank Black
- Bob Hodgkins
- Barack Obama
- Ponce De Leon
- John Hodgman
January 31st, 2008
- gestate auxiliary sets of twins in climate-controlled Fendi bags
- make Brad build a big-ass gingerbread house
- explore viability of controversial “dorsal carriage” (a/k/a “butt fetus”)
- surreptitiously cruise Gymboree with mallet and a sack
- lay excess eggs in what’s left of Sean Young
January 29th, 2008
- tearing the veil away from the morally bankrupt raincheck policy at Marshall’s
- “crowdsourcing” the naming of your new unicycle
- taking a symbolic day off from blogging to protest the unjust treatment of “some Oriental dude” you read about on Slashdot
- daring to name names in the “personal holocaust of customer service” you recently suffered at Fry’s
- funny new snapshot of your kitty, “Warrant Officer Ripley,” acting like she’s people